There is no guidebook for single moms who feel ready to re-enter the world of dating. Whether your absence from this activity has been short or long-term, you have to make up your own rules as you go along. Your conscience, your own childhood experiences, your training and your own common sense will direct you, but you must often take time to pause, observe, re-evaluate and change your plan of action if it seems indicated.
I re-entered the dating game years ago, following a ten-year marriage. I had four young children and I tried to decide what would be best for all of us. I didn't want what remained of our family to become a sad little group of losers whom all the "normal" families pitied. Divorce was a rare occurrence at that time, and I sensed the children were sensitive about the absence of their dad. My own mood wasn't the best either.
Something had to change. As a family we had to stop the self-pity and begin to look outward. There was a whole world out there full of very nice people. It was time for all of us to move into it.
I was fortunate to find other singles active in a group called "Parents Without Partners". The club sponsored family activities as well as adult ones. The children had fun and learned they weren't the only ones in this situation and I was able to brush up on some neglected social skills, such as learning how to do the latest dances, and how to accept compliments graciously from members of the opposite sex.
Naturally, some of the adults soon began going on individual dates. This was the time I had to formulate some rules. As a mom, you can't just worry about yourself anymore, There are innocent little people depending on you to do what's best for the family. It's a huge responsibility.
Here are some of the guidelines I used:
* The children come first. Only when their wants and needs are taken of, was I free to go out and have fun. Under the age of 12, they were never left alone. If I could afford to go out, I could afford a responsible sitter. On the other hand, a happy mother is a better parent. I tried to socialize with adults at least once a week.
* The job was my second priority. Children are expensive. You want to exemplify a good work ethic so they don't think that going on welfare is acceptable just because you're having a rough time. As the breadwinner, you can't burn the candle at both ends and expect to keep your job.
* They can meet your friends when the occasion arises, but don't include them in any couple's activities until you've known the person long enough to be sure he'll be a good influence. I went out with one fellow who played a guitar and sang cowboys songs. The kids loved it when he came over. They knew the words to all the songs and sang along enthusiastically. He and I parted company when my ears couldn't take any more.
* When you accept an invitation from a gentleman friend to go on a special excursion with the children, such as to a zoo or theme park, be sure you pay the bill for your family. You don't want to be indebted to anyone for expenses incurred by your children. Some people can expect too many privileges in return. You need to retain your independence as a free agent, if and until you find the special one who will help you with the all-important parenting role on a permanent basis.
* Have a long-term goal in mind so that you can be honest with your dates. If you aren't interested in a relationship, but want a legal marriage, tell them. There's no sense wasting everyone's time. The children will benefit from having lots of friends, but a series of pseudo "uncles" can be detrimental to good character formation.
The experience of being a single mom is challenging, and there will be times when you think that trying to date under those circumstances is an impossible endeavour. But, it will also be a period of incredible growth and maturing. If you stick to your principles, everything will work out for the best. You'll keep the love and respect of your children, and you may even find, as I did, someone who was willing and eager to accept the package deal and restore your family once again to a complete unit.
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