Are relationships healthy?

Some relationships can be extremely healthy, such as those between devoted spouses or those between loving parents and their children. These relationships provide stability, security, an opportunity for growth both for individuals and as a couple or a family unit. The traditional family has been the basic building block of every successful society in recorded history.

Recently, the term "relationship" has taken on a different meaning. It has come to refer to two people, dating each other exclusively, in a sexual relationship, and quite likely living together and sharing all aspects of they lives. These relationships may or may not produce children.

These latter types of relationships are decidedly unhealthy. They endanger every aspect of the health and well-being of the participants.

In this article, I'll discuss only the physical, emotional, spiritual and financial consequences for each partner. There are more considerations which could easily be discussed, along with negative effects on the children, but these four should be sufficient to prove my point.

The physical health of partners in a relationships is endangered, and the more relationships, the greater the danger. Sooner or later, one of the participants will meet up with new partner who has an undiagnosed STD. Too much "togetherness" can definitely have a negative effect on health.

It takes six months to get a reliable result from an AIDS test. How many young people are willing to wait that long before engaging in dangerous behaviour with their partner? In my experience, there are not too many. The AIDS virus is much more perilous than the common cold. You cannot exercise too much caution in seeking to avoid it.

Relationships are usually transitory. If this were not understood, the couple would marry or at least become engaged. While living with uncertainty, emotional health is bound to suffer. How can one party truly express his or her feelings when they know the other can leave at a moment's notice? Many times anger, hurt, and other negative emotions are repressed. Lack of communication between a couple is always unhealthy.

When the inevitable explosion occurs, it will probably encompass every grievance since the acquaintanceship began and may well signal the end of the partnership.

In a relationship, there is continual pressure on both parties to be polite, pleasant well-groomed, fun and accommodating. Unfortunately, human nature doesn't work than way. Everyone needs downtime. Trying to keep up an attractive front 24/7 produces serious stress, definitely harmful to one's emotional health. Notice how many people in relationships are chain smokers, or have eating issues. They are seldom at peace.

In danger as well is the spiritual wellbeing of the partners in the relationship. Most adults who grew up in intact families realize that this is the best way to live and the best environment in which to raise children.

Often the partners may rush into a relationship on impulse, only to regret it soon afterward. Staying in a relationship through boredom, through fear of being alone, or because one lacks the courage to leave, cannot fail to disturb a healthy conscience.

Financial security as well, will evade partners in a relationship. In most jurisdictions, "common-law" spouses are each entitled to half the joint property when the partnership dissolves. A person who has participated in a series of relationships with sharp and acquisitive partners will be lucky indeed to end up as financially healthy as he was before he started on the marathon.

Those anxious to preserve their physical, emotional, spiritual and financial health will not even consider entering into a "relationship" in the contemporary sense of the word. Often new inventions, new knowledge and new customs enhance the welfare of the human family. However, this is one new practice which will do those who choose to participate in it, nothing but harm.

How to cope with unwanted advances

No one likes to be bothered or harassed. When it occurs because of something over which one has little control, such as gender, appearance, or a friendly personality, it can be very frustrating. Women are generally the victims of this type of treatment. Most men can be gruff and insultingly direct enough to discourage the most aggressive female.

In North America, sexual harassment, stalking, and related behaviors are illegal. However, before calling in the law, here are some less extreme strategies you may wish to try:

*If it's a one-time annoyance, such as catcalls, whistles or jibes when you pass a construction site, the best plan is to ignore the bad manners and proceed on your way. It may be wise to use an alternate route until the work crew has moved on to the next job. 

* If it's a co-worker who steps out of line and you like your job, you need to discourage him without creating animosity. You still need to interact with him, maybe on a daily basis, so try to nip the problem in the bud. Say "No", or "Not interested", politely but firmly. Don't be rude, but make it plain that his advances are inappropriate and unwelcome.

 * If, in spite of your discouraging words, the harassment continues, tell the offender bluntly and assertively that you are not attracted to him, that the advances make you uncomfortable and that you want them to stop. Mention your husband or boyfriend often, (even if you have to invent one) who has a black belt in karate and is extremely jealous. 

* If you still have a problem, try being disagreeable. If he insists on waylaying you, or hanging around your work area, treat him like a servant. Ask him to get you coffee, empty your wastepaper basket, sweep up around your desk, refill your stapler, or run a memo over to another department. Address him in a sharp, bossy voice and the more numerous and demeaning the tasks you assign him, the better.

 * Under no circumstances allow yourself to be in a situation where you will be alone with him. It is often difficult to distinguish between someone who is just a nuisance, and someone who is mentally ill and potentially dangerous.

* No matter whether the aggressor is a co-worker, acquaintance, friend, or neighbor, as soon as you realize there is problem, start a written record or all incidents, encounters, and verbal exchanges between the two of you. It will be convincing evidence later if you need to take the matter to a higher authority.

* If the unpleasantness continues and you are becoming increasing nervous, take your journal to your supervisor, the Human Resources Department at work, your lawyer or the police and enlist their help. Don't wait too long. It's better to be safe than sorry. 

In a perfect world, every parent would teach their little boy to respect women and to treat them with courtesy and consideration. Unfortunately, not every parent is responsible and some young men choose not to follow parental directives.

 None of this is your fault. Your first concern is to safeguard your own well-being and safety. If his delayed lessons on good manners prove embarrassing or painful for the one harassing you, he has no one to blame but himself.  

Remembering that first kiss

It was 7:20 P.M. on a warm summer Sunday evening in 1955. Frances, Shirley and I stared at several stacks of greasy, gummy, gooey dinner dishes ready to be plunged into the sink full of soapy water. The band concert started at 8:30. We'd never finish this job, get dressed and out in time.

My friends' parents ran a small but elegant retirement home in the downtown area near the park. They expected the girls to do their share of the household duties, including the dinner dishes. Frances, Shirley and I had been friends since early childhood, so, on Sundays, I always showed up early at their house to help with the mountain of dishes. With luck, we would be free to leave the house a little earlier.

The band concert at Montebello Park was the social highlight of our week. We never missed a Sunday evening, but we seldom arrived on time. That was OK, because it didn't get dark until about 9:30 anyway. Anything romantic that might occur wouldn't happen until after dark. For seventeen and eighteen-year-old girls, as we were at that time, the possibility of romance was the main attraction of those summer evenings.

Of course, we also loved the mellow tones of the show tunes, the marches, and the polkas as the music drifted from the bandstand out through the soft evening air. We loved walking through the dark, fragrant rose garden, strolling across the grassy areas, past families on blankets and older folks in deck chairs. We'd sit for awhile at a picnic table under the trees, then emerge again into a lighted area, where street lights and the moon illuminated the audience of adults, children and teens.

We'd talk, and we'd giggle and watch the groups of young men, usually the same ones every week, as they walked around watching us. Shirley had one particular young friend with whom she'd sometimes pair off for a couple of circuits. Frances and I would trail behind, pretending not to notice.

One particular evening, Frances began to a conversation with a a teen she knew who was accompanied by a young sailor, at least he had on a military uniform. He could have just been a weekend cadet; neither of us would have known the difference. The sailor was introduced only as "Darky". He said he was staying at the Y.M.C.A. and would be shipping out the next day. Inevitably, Frances and her friend stopped to watch the moon, and were soon walking behind us, quite far behind.

"Shipping out!" How mature and potentially dangerous that sounded! This guy could be on his way to a war zone. He mightbe shot...killed...blown to bits. He might never come back, and I might be the last girl he'd ever talk to. As we strolled through the rose garden, I received my first kiss from Darky. Of course, I had to do my patriotic duty and kiss him back. Well, didn't I? Of course I did.

At the end of the evening we met the other girls at the bandstand. The boys left. Darky had to get his rest before he shipped out the next day. Frances and Shirley accompanied me home, then they walked home together. None of us were allowed to be out alone after dark.

We just happened to go by the Y the next day. We were going to wish Darky "Bon Voyage", before he shipped out. The man at the reception desk had never heard of him, and didn't remember any sailors staying there recently. I guess in retrospect, you might say that Darky and I had passed like two ships in the night.

Do I regret the circumstances of my first kiss? Not at all. My friends were near, it was a romantic and slightly mysterious everning, and since Darky never resurfaced, it won't come back to haunt me. Besides, I still like to think I acted in a very patriotic manner.

I understand the band concerts are still taking place on Sunday evenings in summer in Montebello Park, but I haven't been back for quite a few years. There are some special occasions that you just know can never be recaptured. It's wise to not even try.