How to regain self-confidence after a break-up

Break-ups are painful. It doesn't matter whether it's a marriage, a relationship, or a long-term friendship that has come to an end, parting and starting over is one of the more difficult tasks a person will confront during his lifetime.

The party who initiated the split usually has a less difficult time, but both individuals must adapt to thinking and acting independently again, to adjusting to new and different routines, and to meeting and interacting with new people.

The individual who receives notification that the break-up is imminent is in a less enviable position. He must deal with the initial shock or surprise, while exploring options and making plans for a more solitary lifestyle. He may also be plagued with questions which probably have no answers. "What did I do wrong?", " What should I have done differently?", "Why did this happen to me?"

The truth of the matter probably is that one person changed and grew in a new direction while the other didn't. Whether the change was for better or worse will remain to be seen, but meanwhile, their aims, values and desired lifestyles no longer coincide. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way things are.

How does the partner who is left, regain his or her self-confidence? There are a variety of measures to be taken, and one definite activity that must be avoided.. He must not sit around feeling sorry for himself and bemoaning his fate. He should begin immediately to implement some constructive strategies, such as the following:

* Make a list of all your abilities and strengths. Plan how to put them into use in ways that will benefit others. Are you good cook? Volunteer at a soup kitchen or take a meal to a shut-in neighbor. Are you sympathetic and a good listener? Visit seniors' residences or long-term care facilities, volunteer at the Distress Line. When you bring joy to others, and they depend on you. it does wonders for your self-confidence..

* Perk up your appearance. Have your hair done, your teeth whitened, buy a few new, sporty articles of clothing. Stand tall, smile and laugh, be pleasant to everyone. Cheerful, upbeat people are welcome almost anywhere, anytime.

* Contact old friends, especially the unattached ones. In any group of singles, somebody is always having a crisis of some sort . Be available to help out. Be the one everyone calls on when they're having difficulty. Nothing builds confidence like being needed and relied upon by others.

* Find a church congregation where you feel at home. Rediscover your inherent worth as a child of God. You were made to God's specific directions, and he deals in quality. There's a plan for your life and you are in the process of discovering it.

* In your spare time, if you have any, think about the person you'd like to have in your future, whether as a friend or as someone closer. Try to spend some time in places that type of person might be. If you want the quiet, knowledgeable type, visit the library several times a week. If you want a sports lover, go to ball games. If you want an animal lover, volunteer at the Humane Society.

* Remind yourself often that the world is full of millions of nice people, most of whom you've never met. There are thousands who would be compatible with you, but they won't come and find you if you're home feeling sorry for yourself. Get up, get out there and circulate! Believe that if you can brighten one other person's existence today, the entire day may be considered a success!

Later in life, when the break-up is only a dim memory, you may look back on it as one of the more fortunate episodes in your life. It enabled you to move on and to find the one with whom you were meant to have a special relationship for the rest of your days. It's been said that every cloud has a silver lining, but in this case, it may turn out to be a lining of eighteen-carat gold!