Can you keep an ex-lover as a friend?

Don't fool yourself, you will not be able to keep your ex-lover as a friend, at least not for the foreseeable future. There must have been significant issues in the relationship which could not be resolved in a manner satisfactory to you both, but there was also mutual attraction, affection, and compatibility which you must now learn to live without.

Once the breakup has occurred, you both need space. You need to go through a grieving process. A close relationship has expired. Your life has been altered in a significant way. You need to process the change before you can move on. You cannot process the change if your ex is calling or showing up at the door almost as often as he or she did before.

There must be a complete break. If you happen to meet on the street, a quick "Hi," is permissible. but keep moving. You can't afford to fall into familiar patterns of sharing news, discussing family and friends, commiserating over disappointments or rejoicing in each other's successes. There are too many other familiar patterns which would soon reappear and complicate matters.

You need to redefine your self-image as a single person. You are no longer one-half of a couple. You need to readjust to functioning as an independent, self-motivating entity. You should go to movies alone, attend parties unescorted, eat out, look after car repairs and do other necessary chores without any help from another party.

Your friends need evidence that the relationship is truly over, so they can assist you in moving on with your life. If you keep mentioning what your ex is doing, or what he has said, they will wonder if he really has been relegated to the past, or is he still a meaningful part of your present. Don't give them reason to speculate. That chapter in the story of your life needs to be definitely over in the eyes of your friends and family as well as in your own.

There may be a potential Prince or Princess Charming lurking in the background. Perhaps you have been admired from afar for months or years already. Possibly you have been seen with your ex in happier days and the would-be partner was discouraged from trying to break up what appeared to be a devoted couple. If you are observed again in the company of your ex, even if it's only occasionally, how can anyone be sure that the status of the relationship has actually changed?

For your own good, that of your ex, to avoid confusion among friends, family and potential future partners, your ex should move right out of your life. Only then will you have the ability, the freedom and the motivation to move on.

Perhaps in the distant future, you two will meet near the playground in a park somewhere and heatedly discuss who has the cutest and most intelligent grandchildren. That will be perfectly acceptable and harmless, since it will soon be time to totter back to your respective homes and spouses for dinner. Until that day, don't push your luck. Don't try to keep your ex-lover as a friend.