It can be a heartbreaking situation when one half a couple is ready for marriage and the other half isn't. The reluctant partner may keep stalling, and seem perfectly happy with the present arrangement, in which each partner enjoys the other's company and there are no strings attached.
Usually it's the female who, prompted by her nest-building instincts, pushes for a commitment. She may want to start a family, and feel that there would be more stability and security for her children and herself within a traditional marriage.
The male, especially in contemporary society, may see no necessity to make a permanent commitment. His friends are engaging in serial relationships, and it seems to work out well. Who knows? In time, they may find that "perfect soul-mate" and settle down, but in the meantime, they seem to be having a pretty good time.
The reluctant partner may not want to disclose his reasons for refusing to commit. In fact, he may not be aware of them himself, but chances are they'll fall into one or more of the following categories:
(1) He fears the loss of freedom. Females mature earlier than males. The gals are ready to settle down and raise a family while guys the same age are hoping to sew a few more wild oats. It's wise to leave and let him get on with it. If he doesn't do it before marriage, he'll do it after and that can lead to tragedy for everyone concerned.
(2) He fears taking on the responsibility. He's just not ready for a wife, kids, a house, a mortgage, and all the sacrifices that kind of life entails. If the girl has children from a former marriage, he'll be expected to assume extra responsibilities, which he really doesn't want. She'd better move on quickly, before he breaks her heart.
(3) He's had a bad experience with a former marriage or long-term relationship. He's not anxious to experience the pain again. Some people eventually overcome this circumstance, others never will.
(4) He's too self-centered. He wants to travel, to have an expensive car and to do whatever he wishes, whenever it suits him. His partner is expected to wait on him hand and foot. It is unlikely anyone will ever try to get this type to commit. Who wants to be a slave for the rest of her life?
(5) He's not sure this girl is the right one. Most of the time he loves her and enjoys being in her company, but he's haunted by the possibility that he may meet his "true soul-mate" later on and it will be too late.
(6) He has other responsibilities. He may be looking after sick, elderly parents, or have huge alimony and child support payments to make. He may be putting younger siblings through college or university, and feel that he can't handle any more expenses at this time.
(7) There is a huge difference in religion or culture. Often members of two branches of the Christian Church can unite quite easily, but how about two more disparate groups, such as a Jew and a Muslim, or an atheist and an Evangelical Christian? It could be a recipe for trouble and he is smart enough to see it.
(8) He has a job which doesn't lend itself to a stable married life. He may be a undercover agent, a traveling salesman, or a long-distance driver. If this is holding him back, the girl must convince him she can cope with the difficulties.
(9) He may have a real or perceived disability, which he doesn't want to disclose to a spouse. He could be illiterate, or sterile, or carry the inherited gene for a catastrophic illness. He may have a close relative with a severe physical or mental illness, for whom he'll be fully responsible at some future time. There may be some personal or family secret which he feels is too horrific to share.
(10) Marriage would involve too great a change in lifestyle. If the girl lives in the United States or Canada, and he comes from Afghanistan and his family expects him to go back when he finishes school, he may feel the differences in lifestyle would be too great. If she is an animal lover and in his culture they eat dogs, a marriage likely wouldn't work out. If the girl's family is wealthy, and his family has lived on welfare for generations, there are bound to be problems.
Some of these reasons for refusing to commit are quite legitimate, and the reluctant partner is wise not to enter a marriage or even a long-term relationship until they can be worked out, if they ever can.
However, it is unfair to keep stalling. By the time a couple has been dating six months, they should honestly and openly have discussed their long-term goals. If the objectives don't match, and no compromise can be found, the relationship should be ended. It may be painful, but it would be worse later. Don't waste any more time; move on; live and learn; the future awaits.
" Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and often ends with a teardrop. " Anonymous
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