Gifts your girlfriend doesn't want

During life, the male of the species confronts many daunting challenges. One of the most difficult is choosing an appropriate gift for a girlfriend. A well-chosen, meaningful present can cement your relationship and set your feet firmly on that blissful path to the land of "happily ever after". It will be something that inspires her to grab you impulsively and deliver an enthusiastic hug and kiss, something that she'll write about in her diary, because she wants to remember it, and you, forever.

An inappropriate gift, on the other hand, can be a real turn-off. It can be the final nail in the coffin of a faltering relationship. The lady may gaze at your unwrapped offering, picture a lifetime ahead receiving the same type of present, and decide that she would find that an unbearable situation. You, with your gift under your arm, might soon find yourself on the wrong side of her front door, facing away from her house, and away from her life. Permanently.

In an effort to save you from this unhappy predicament, I would like to relate some of the more offensive gifts I've received through the years. If I wasn't already married or related to to the donor, these abominations would have sounded the death knell to our relationship. Actually, it wasn't usually the actual gift itself, it was the implication they conveyed. For instance...

1.) A step-on garbage can. This implies that my primary function is that of house-keeper, one who can easily be replaced by a phone call to "The Merry Maids". Any cleaning implement would elicit the same response. We girls like to think we have a little more to offer than our cleaning skills. Now, one exception would be an automatic dishwasher. We could rationalize that you bought that item so that we would have more time to devote to you, which is, and always will be, your predominant concern.

2.) A bathroom scale. This gift implies that you think I should pay more attention to my weight. That means you don't like me the way I am. My whole appearance probably needs improvement, in your eyes. I see the years stretching ahead as I wear a rut in the road traveling to Weight Watchers and back. Oh, I don't think so! Any self-improvement gift falls into the same category: no gym memberships, diet books, gift certificates to beauty salons, or exercise videos, thank you. You're supposed to think I'm perfect, just the way I am.

3.) Two tickets to a wrestling match. Now really! Have you ever come in unexpectedly and found me watching wrestling on T.V.? Of course not. I'd rather stare at the blank screen. If you're going to offer an evening of entertainment, at least make an effort to find something I'd enjoy. Maybe you can ask your buddy to go with you to the match. I have a feeling you'll have lots of spare time to spend with him in the near future.

4.)Your deceased mother's necklace and earrings set. Thanks, but no. I'm only your girlfriend; we're not even engaged. What if we break up? I couldn't keep this. Someone in your family should have it. I don't care if it's expensive, I don't want it! I'd much rather have some reasonably-priced jewelery that you chose just for me. The same goes for her mink stole, diamond pill box, and jeweled evening bag.

5.)Slinky underwear, lingerie, a bikini or other revealing items of apparel. Those gifts are in very poor taste before you're married. Can you imagine my parents' reaction if I showed them? My dad would immediately take them by hand to the garbage can, and you would follow them if you ever showed your face around my house again. Besides, nobody would actually wear this stuff; they'd get pneumonia. The girls at Hooter's would be embarrassed to wear them. You really need to get your mind out of the gutter- I'm beginning to have serious doubts about our relationship.

These are a few examples of presents your girlfriend will not appreciate. To find the perfect gift requires time, keen powers of observation, and perhaps a few off-the-record chats with her family and friends. What are her hobbies, her favorite restaurants, her preferred type of entertainment? Does she have any collections? With care and forethought you can find that perfect offering which will enshrine you in her heart, as well as in her diary, forever more.