Verbal Abuse

:
Words can be
Weapons, sharp, acid-tipped,
Striking precisely, penetrating deep
Into an anguished heart already scarred
By many former, similar attacks.
Emotional scars, more lasting and disabling
Than any physical, which in time will heal.
Will these then be the weapons
Which strike the final blow
To fossilize forever a ragged, ravaged heart?
Mechanically functional, but sensibly numb
It will feel pain no more,
Nor love.

Ten men a girl should not marry

After many years of observation of assorted couplings among friends, neighbours and relatives, I feel somewhat qualified to offer a practical guide to ladies of marriageable age. Girls, beware of the following types:

1.The Buffer: he spends more time on his appearance than you do on yours! He is so in love with himself, he has little room in his heart for you, let alone children if they should make an appearance.

2.Mama's Boy: when Mom sighs, he runs to her side. He may still live at home, and you will probably end up with him and Mama in your home, should you decide to marry him.

3.The Animal Hater: unless there is a medical reason, such as severe allergies, beware of this character. If he is mean to helpless pets, he is unlikely to be kind and thoughtful when dealing with a spouse, once the initial glow of infatuation has faded.

4. The Miser: he counts change twice. A big date is apt to consist of a burger and a stroll in the park. Unless you wish to shop at Thrift Stores and eat hot dogs for the rest of your life, run like the wind in the opposite direction!

5.The Flirt: he'll say it's harmless, when he flirts with other girls in your presence. He's only being friendly. That nagging sense of unease you feel is your subconscious warning you of danger. Leave him to his games until he grows up.

6. The Controller: wants to know where you are, what you're doing and with whom every minute. He'll be jealous but will say it's only because he loves you so much. Unless you're ready for a heavy-duty collar and leash, move on!

7. The Sphinx: communication is an essential element of a successful marriage. If he refuses to discuss important issues, and pouts for extended periods, leave him a "Dear John" note during the next silent spell.

8.The Fugitive from an Anger Management Class: no one wants to spend their married life contending with temper tantrums from children AND their father. Leave while the going's good!

9.The Sports Nut: he must watch every game of every sport played, every month of the year, either attending in person or watching on T.V. If you finally get fed up and leave, he may never notice until it's time for his next meal.

10.The Mysterious Stranger: he comes from a different culture, is elegant and intriguing. Take your time and get to know him well.Preparing chocolate-covered grasshoppers for his lunch when you're pregnant will not be fun.

However, if you're really and truly in love with one of these of types, none of these conditions is incurable. Run, don't walk to the nearest qualified couples' counselor and get to work. Just be sure to do it before marriage rather than after. The old saying, "Marry in haste, repent at leisure," still holds true.

In and Out

Fillings in teeth,

Children in bed,

In is a glad place to be,

Dog's in his dog house,

The ball's in the net,

Who knows how many fish in the sea?


Out in the cold,

Out of the loop,

Out is a sad place to be,

Right out of his mind,

Out of condition,

Why take out your anger on me?


In on the news,

An in-depth report,

In is a great place to be,

In tune with your friends,

In step with the dance,

In rhythm with your destiny.


Out on a limb,

Out of his depth,

Out is a grim place to be,

To be out of order,

Or just out of line,

Will put Joe out of sorts, naturally.


Don't ever think that you're not in my life,

Since you walked out and hurried away,

I have so many memories entrenched in my heart,

Out they come, in you step, every day.

Memories of that first kiss

It was 7:20 P.M. on a warm summer Sunday evening in 1955. Frances, Shirley and I stared at several stacks of greasy, gummy, gooey dinner dishes ready to be plunged into the sink full of soapy water. The band concert started at 8:30. We'd never finish this job, get dressed and out in time.

My friends' parents ran a small but elegant retirement home in the downtown area near the park. They expected the girls to do their share of the household duties, including the dinner dishes. Frances, Shirley and I had been friends since early childhood, so, on Sundays, I always showed up early at their house to help with the mountain of dishes. With luck, we would be free to leave the house a little earlier.

The band concert at Montebello Park was the social highlight of our week. We never missed a Sunday evening, but we seldom arrived on time. That was OK, because it didn't get dark until about 9:30 anyway. Anything romantic that might occur wouldn't happen until after dark. For seventeen and eighteen-year-old girls, as we were at that time, the possibility of romance was the main attraction of those summer evenings.

Of course, we also loved the mellow tones of the show tunes, the marches, and the polkas as the music drifted from the bandstand out through the soft evening air. We loved walking through the dark, fragrant rose garden, strolling across the grassy areas, past families on blankets and older folks in deck chairs. We'd sit for awhile at a picnic table under the trees, then emerge again into a lighted area, where street lights and the moon illuminated the audience of adults, children and teens.

We'd talk, and we'd giggle and watch the groups of young men, usually the same ones every week, as they walked around watching us. Shirley had one particular young friend with whom she'd sometimes pair off for a couple of circuits. Frances and I would trail behind, pretending not to notice.

One particular evening, Frances began to a conversation with a a teen she knew who was accompanied by a young sailor, at least he had on a military uniform. He could have just been a weekend cadet; neither of us would have known the difference. The sailor was introduced only as "Darky". He said he was staying at the Y.M.C.A. and would be shipping out the next day. Inevitably, Frances and her friend stopped to watch the moon, and were soon walking behind us, quite far behind.

"Shipping out!" How mature and potentially dangerous that sounded! This guy could be on his way to a war zone. He might be shot...killed...blown to bits. He might never come back, and I might be the last girl he'd ever talk to. As we strolled through the rose garden, I received my first kiss from Darky. Of course, I had to do my patriotic duty and kiss him back. Well, didn't I? Of course I did.

At the end of the evening we met the other girls at the bandstand. The boys left. Darky had to get his rest before shipping out the next day. Frances and Shirley accompanied me home, then they walked home together. None of us were allowed to be out alone after dark.

We just happened to go by the Y the next day. We were going to wish Darky "Bon Voyage", before he shipped out. The man at the reception desk had never heard of him, and didn't remember any sailors staying there recently. I guess in retrospect, you might say that Darky and I had passed like two ships in the night.

Do I regret the circumstances of my first kiss? Not at all. My friends were near, it was romantic and slightly mysterious everning, and since Darky never resurfaced, it never came back to haunt me. Besides, I still like to think I acted in a very patriotic manner.

I understand the band concerts are still taking place on Sunday evenings in summer in Montebello Park, but I haven't been back for quite a few years. There are some special occasions that you just know can never be recaptured. It's wise to not even try.

Who should pay for the Valentine's Day dinner?

It's Valentine's Day, and this year, you believe you have a special reason to celebrate. You've recently met an attractive gentleman who seems to have definite potential as a future mate. He called on the weekend and asked you to join him for dinner on the fourteenth, because he felt that you two should spend time in each other's company on this special day. You arrange to meet him after work at an upscale restaurant downtown.

Because you're happy and excited at the thought of the romantic dinner and evening ahead, you take the afternoon off. You get you hair and nails done, and visit a small boutique where you seldom shop, because the prices are out of sight. You splurge on a simple, yet elegant little red dress because, after all, this is an important occasion. It could turn out to be that fabled first day of the rest of your life.

He is waiting at the door of the restaurant at the appointed time, looking as if he just stepped off the shiny pages of a fashion magazine. The waiter greets him by name and leads the way to your table. The admiring glances from your fellow diners reassure you that you are one-half of a very handsome couple. You feel, at that moment, like the luckiest girl in the world.

After you're seated, your escort orders a bottle of wine, and suggests one of the pricier items on the menu. When you object because of the cost, he reminds you that it is, after all, a special day, you both work hard, and you deserve to celebrate now and then. The meal and conversation proceed and you, in a rosy haze, know instinctively that this will be a night to remember. After dessert and coffee, he summons the waiter.

"That will be separate checks please, Philippe," he says, smiling across the table at you.

How to react? Panic might be your first inner response, if you hadn't brought sufficient cash, or a credit card. You would then be in the embarrassing position of having to request a loan from the cheapskate. If you had sufficient foresight to bring along enough mad money, then anger and disillusionment would be understandable emotions. In either case, it would probably be the end of what might have been a beautiful relationship.

Most women like to be pampered, to feel cherished and special. If you're short of cash, however, they can be very understanding. A quick bite at a fast food restaurant followed by videos you've rented, to be watched at home, on the sofa, with the lights dimmed, would be perceived as a lovely, romantic evening. Just be honest about your circumstances. Your attitude and actions should declare, "I don't have much at present, but what I have, I want to share with you. Nothing else matters very much, as long as we're together. I'll always take care of you as well as I am able."

Most women would consider themselves lucky to be gifted with that kind of devotion. On Valentine's Day especially, if you wish the relationship to bloom and grow, the man should always pay. No matter how frugal or elaborate the celebration, it should be " Gentleman's Treat".

Gifts your girlfriend doesn't want

During life, the male of the species confronts many daunting challenges. One of the most difficult is choosing an appropriate gift for a girlfriend. A well-chosen, meaningful present can cement your relationship and set your feet firmly on that blissful path to the land of "happily ever after". It will be something that inspires her to grab you impulsively and deliver an enthusiastic hug and kiss, something that she'll write about in her diary, because she wants to remember it, and you, forever.

An inappropriate gift, on the other hand, can be a real turn-off. It can be the final nail in the coffin of a faltering relationship. The lady may gaze at your unwrapped offering, picture a lifetime ahead receiving the same type of present, and decide that she would find that an unbearable situation. You, with your gift under your arm, might soon find yourself on the wrong side of her front door, facing away from her house, and away from her life. Permanently.

In an effort to save you from this unhappy predicament, I would like to relate some of the more offensive gifts I've received through the years. If I wasn't already married or related to to the donor, these abominations would have sounded the death knell to our relationship. Actually, it wasn't usually the actual gift itself, it was the implication they conveyed. For instance...

1.) A step-on garbage can. This implies that my primary function is that of house-keeper, one who can easily be replaced by a phone call to "The Merry Maids". Any cleaning implement would elicit the same response. We girls like to think we have a little more to offer than our cleaning skills. Now, one exception would be an automatic dishwasher. We could rationalize that you bought that item so that we would have more time to devote to you, which is, and always will be, your predominant concern.

2.) A bathroom scale. This gift implies that you think I should pay more attention to my weight. That means you don't like me the way I am. My whole appearance probably needs improvement, in your eyes. I see the years stretching ahead as I wear a rut in the road traveling to Weight Watchers and back. Oh, I don't think so! Any self-improvement gift falls into the same category: no gym memberships, diet books, gift certificates to beauty salons, or exercise videos, thank you. You're supposed to think I'm perfect, just the way I am.

3.) Two tickets to a wrestling match. Now really! Have you ever come in unexpectedly and found me watching wrestling on T.V.? Of course not. I'd rather stare at the blank screen. If you're going to offer an evening of entertainment, at least make an effort to find something I'd enjoy. Maybe you can ask your buddy to go with you to the match. I have a feeling you'll have lots of spare time to spend with him in the near future.

4.)Your deceased mother's necklace and earrings set. Thanks, but no. I'm only your girlfriend; we're not even engaged. What if we break up? I couldn't keep this. Someone in your family should have it. I don't care if it's expensive, I don't want it! I'd much rather have some reasonably-priced jewelery that you chose just for me. The same goes for her mink stole, diamond pill box, and jeweled evening bag.

5.)Slinky underwear, lingerie, a bikini or other revealing items of apparel. Those gifts are in very poor taste before you're married. Can you imagine my parents' reaction if I showed them? My dad would immediately take them by hand to the garbage can, and you would follow them if you ever showed your face around my house again. Besides, nobody would actually wear this stuff; they'd get pneumonia. The girls at Hooter's would be embarrassed to wear them. You really need to get your mind out of the gutter- I'm beginning to have serious doubts about our relationship.

These are a few examples of presents your girlfriend will not appreciate. To find the perfect gift requires time, keen powers of observation, and perhaps a few off-the-record chats with her family and friends. What are her hobbies, her favorite restaurants, her preferred type of entertainment? Does she have any collections? With care and forethought you can find that perfect offering which will enshrine you in her heart, as well as in her diary, forever more.

Should you buy a Valentine gift for an ex-girlfriend?

Getting an ex-girlfriend a Valentine's Day gift is a bad idea for a number of reasons. In fact, it is difficult to understand why one would even consider such a move, unless of course he is hoping to renew the relationship.

If this was the case, he would do well to have a preliminary conversation. Otherwise he risks losing the present along with the money it cost, or, if the girl is ethical, having his gift returned unopened in the next mail.

If he is simply trying to diffuse any ill will left over from the break-up, a simple, friendly card would be more appropriate. The enclosed message might read: " Sending kind thoughts to you today, with gratitude for the happy memories we share, and best wishes for your happiness in the future." This adequately conveys the thought that he holds no hard feelings and is ready to move on.

Let us consider briefly how the ex-girlfriend might feel upon receiving an unexpected Valentine's Day gift from her former beau. Her emotions will vary according to how she presently views her former boyfriend.

If she still harbors resentment or bitterness, she may throw the gift into the trash, and figure "Good riddance!". If she is scrupulously honest, she will immediately send it back unopened and he could be stuck with paying the return postage.

If she is indifferent and has already moved on with her life, she may set it aside, opened or unopened, intending to return it later and promptly forget about it. In that case, he will be left wondering whatever happened to it.

If, however, she regrets the break-up and is wishing to recapture his love, along with the old magic she found in the relationship, her hopes for a reconciliation will soar skywards, and he may find her parked on his doorstep the same evening, with a gift of equal or greater value that she's purchased for him.

Turning down her gift will be difficult, because, of course, he started the gift-giving cycle. He will be confronted with the task of explaining why he sent a Valentine present to someone he no longer cares for, returning her gift, and comforting her when she collapses into a paroxysm of uncontrollable weeping.

He should consider carefully, "Do I really want this aggravation?". If the answer is negative, he should forget the whole notion.

Sending a Valentine gift to an ex-girlfriend is a bad idea unless he hopes that, by doing so, he can rekindle the relationship, and give it another chance. However, the stratagem is still a gamble and the present should be meaningful but inexpensive.

If he doesn't wish to renew the relationship, he would be much wiser to just let sleeping dogs lie.