How to cope with unwanted advances

No one likes to be bothered or harassed. When it occurs because of something over which one has little control, such as gender, appearance, or a friendly personality, it can be very frustrating. Women are generally the victims of this type of treatment. Most men can be gruff and insultingly direct enough to discourage the most aggressive female.

In North America, sexual harassment, stalking, and related behaviors are illegal. However, before calling in the law, here are some less extreme strategies you may wish to try:

*If it's a one-time annoyance, such as catcalls, whistles or jibes when you pass a construction site, the best plan is to ignore the bad manners and proceed on your way. It may be wise to use an alternate route until the work crew has moved on to the next job. 

* If it's a co-worker who steps out of line and you like your job, you need to discourage him without creating animosity. You still need to interact with him, maybe on a daily basis, so try to nip the problem in the bud. Say "No", or "Not interested", politely but firmly. Don't be rude, but make it plain that his advances are inappropriate and unwelcome.

 * If, in spite of your discouraging words, the harassment continues, tell the offender bluntly and assertively that you are not attracted to him, that the advances make you uncomfortable and that you want them to stop. Mention your husband or boyfriend often, (even if you have to invent one) who has a black belt in karate and is extremely jealous. 

* If you still have a problem, try being disagreeable. If he insists on waylaying you, or hanging around your work area, treat him like a servant. Ask him to get you coffee, empty your wastepaper basket, sweep up around your desk, refill your stapler, or run a memo over to another department. Address him in a sharp, bossy voice and the more numerous and demeaning the tasks you assign him, the better.

 * Under no circumstances allow yourself to be in a situation where you will be alone with him. It is often difficult to distinguish between someone who is just a nuisance, and someone who is mentally ill and potentially dangerous.

* No matter whether the aggressor is a co-worker, acquaintance, friend, or neighbor, as soon as you realize there is problem, start a written record or all incidents, encounters, and verbal exchanges between the two of you. It will be convincing evidence later if you need to take the matter to a higher authority.

* If the unpleasantness continues and you are becoming increasing nervous, take your journal to your supervisor, the Human Resources Department at work, your lawyer or the police and enlist their help. Don't wait too long. It's better to be safe than sorry. 

In a perfect world, every parent would teach their little boy to respect women and to treat them with courtesy and consideration. Unfortunately, not every parent is responsible and some young men choose not to follow parental directives.

 None of this is your fault. Your first concern is to safeguard your own well-being and safety. If his delayed lessons on good manners prove embarrassing or painful for the one harassing you, he has no one to blame but himself.