How to cope with being alone and childless

This title gives the impression that someone is feeling very sorry for themselves. "Poor me! I'm all alone. I have no children, no family nearby. Woe is me!"

The first thing to do is change that attitude. It's true that human beings are social animals; we are not meant to be alone. However, harboring such a gloomy outlook and hanging black crepe around is not going to improve the situation at all. Begin by counting your blessings.

Many people are childless by choice. The cost of raising a child today is over $200,000, plus unlimited demands on the parents' time and energy. Children are certainly a blessing, but they are also a huge, long-term responsibility. Being childless is a two-sided coin. Resolve for the next month to concentrate on the positive aspects.

You have no children, but you have more disposable income. You are not restricted by the inescapable responsibilities children bring. Your time is your own. Now, how will you choose to spend it?

Now, to the "alone" problem. Are you really alone? Do you live on a desert island in the middle of the ocean? Probably not. There are probably people within a quarter-mile radius of you right now.

The people in your neighborhood are not all members of big, happy families. They probably include seniors, shut-ins, widows and widowers, young working couples, divorced people, single parent families, just as wide a spectrum of human living arrangements as can be found in any contemporary community. Many of these people are in worse physical, emotional and mental states than you.

Now you have a choice. Will you continue to sit and wallow in self-pity or will you resolve to reach out and make a difference in your corner of the world?

Why not give it a try for one month? You can always return to the pity party later, if you find you are not happier being involved in the life of your community.

Here are some suggestions with which to start off:

* Make a mental inventory of your strengths. Are you good with children, with sick people, with the elderly? Volunteer in a school, a hospital or a seniors' home once a week.

* Find a church community where you feel comfortable. It doesn't matter whether you feel particularly spiritual or not. Churches have many social activities and members are usually friendly and welcoming.

* If you're really missing children, become a Big Brother or a Big Sister. You could be a significant part of a child's life by giving something his or her biological parents can't or won't provide.

* Get a computer. When you're connected to the Internet, the entire world is at your fingertips. Monitor one of the chat networks for awhile. Eventually, you may find that you want to add some comments of your own. Just be cautious about giving personal information until you're sure with whom you're dealing.

* Take a course which follows one of your areas of interest. You'll meet fellow students with a similar interest. Friendships may blossom which will be enriching for you both.

* If your living arrangements allow it, get a pet. You'd be amazed at how many people stop to admire a cute puppy or kitten on a leash when you take your pet for a walk.

* Don't be afraid to go places by yourself: a movie, the neighborhood coffee shop, the library, or the burger joint. If you're in a risky neighborhood, go during daylight hours. Many an interesting acquaintance has begun over a coffee at "Dunkin' Doughnuts".

* Everyone has to have some time alone, and many of us treasure those moments. Find an engrossing hobby, reading, writing, handwork, crosswords, something you enjoy, and save it for those moments. Enjoyable hobbies make time pass quickly.

If you follow the above regimen for one month, you'll discover that you're involved in interesting activities with new friends who will enrich your life even as as you are enriching theirs.

You may wish to write to a new title next time: " How to cope with having too many friends and too much to do".

How to regain self-confidence after a break-up

Break-ups are painful. It doesn't matter whether it's a marriage, a relationship, or a long-term friendship that has come to an end, parting and starting over is one of the more difficult tasks a person will confront during his lifetime.

The party who initiated the split usually has a less difficult time, but both individuals must adapt to thinking and acting independently again, to adjusting to new and different routines, and to meeting and interacting with new people.

The individual who receives notification that the break-up is imminent is in a less enviable position. He must deal with the initial shock or surprise, while exploring options and making plans for a more solitary lifestyle. He may also be plagued with questions which probably have no answers. "What did I do wrong?", " What should I have done differently?", "Why did this happen to me?"

The truth of the matter probably is that one person changed and grew in a new direction while the other didn't. Whether the change was for better or worse will remain to be seen, but meanwhile, their aims, values and desired lifestyles no longer coincide. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way things are.

How does the partner who is left, regain his or her self-confidence? There are a variety of measures to be taken, and one definite activity that must be avoided.. He must not sit around feeling sorry for himself and bemoaning his fate. He should begin immediately to implement some constructive strategies, such as the following:

* Make a list of all your abilities and strengths. Plan how to put them into use in ways that will benefit others. Are you good cook? Volunteer at a soup kitchen or take a meal to a shut-in neighbor. Are you sympathetic and a good listener? Visit seniors' residences or long-term care facilities, volunteer at the Distress Line. When you bring joy to others, and they depend on you. it does wonders for your self-confidence..

* Perk up your appearance. Have your hair done, your teeth whitened, buy a few new, sporty articles of clothing. Stand tall, smile and laugh, be pleasant to everyone. Cheerful, upbeat people are welcome almost anywhere, anytime.

* Contact old friends, especially the unattached ones. In any group of singles, somebody is always having a crisis of some sort . Be available to help out. Be the one everyone calls on when they're having difficulty. Nothing builds confidence like being needed and relied upon by others.

* Find a church congregation where you feel at home. Rediscover your inherent worth as a child of God. You were made to God's specific directions, and he deals in quality. There's a plan for your life and you are in the process of discovering it.

* In your spare time, if you have any, think about the person you'd like to have in your future, whether as a friend or as someone closer. Try to spend some time in places that type of person might be. If you want the quiet, knowledgeable type, visit the library several times a week. If you want a sports lover, go to ball games. If you want an animal lover, volunteer at the Humane Society.

* Remind yourself often that the world is full of millions of nice people, most of whom you've never met. There are thousands who would be compatible with you, but they won't come and find you if you're home feeling sorry for yourself. Get up, get out there and circulate! Believe that if you can brighten one other person's existence today, the entire day may be considered a success!

Later in life, when the break-up is only a dim memory, you may look back on it as one of the more fortunate episodes in your life. It enabled you to move on and to find the one with whom you were meant to have a special relationship for the rest of your days. It's been said that every cloud has a silver lining, but in this case, it may turn out to be a lining of eighteen-carat gold!

Dating guidelines for single moms

There is no guidebook for single moms who feel ready to re-enter the world of dating. Whether your absence from this activity has been short or long-term, you have to make up your own rules as you go along. Your conscience, your own childhood experiences, your training and your own common sense will direct you, but you must often take time to pause, observe, re-evaluate and change your plan of action if it seems indicated.

I re-entered the dating game years ago, following a ten-year marriage. I had four young children and I tried to decide what would be best for all of us. I didn't want what remained of our family to become a sad little group of losers whom all the "normal" families pitied. Divorce was a rare occurrence at that time, and I sensed the children were sensitive about the absence of their dad. My own mood wasn't the best either.

Something had to change. As a family we had to stop the self-pity and begin to look outward. There was a whole world out there full of very nice people. It was time for all of us to move into it.

I was fortunate to find other singles active in a group called "Parents Without Partners". The club sponsored family activities as well as adult ones. The children had fun and learned they weren't the only ones in this situation and I was able to brush up on some neglected social skills, such as learning how to do the latest dances, and how to accept compliments graciously from members of the opposite sex.

Naturally, some of the adults soon began going on individual dates. This was the time I had to formulate some rules. As a mom, you can't just worry about yourself anymore, There are innocent little people depending on you to do what's best for the family. It's a huge responsibility.

Here are some of the guidelines I used:

* The children come first. Only when their wants and needs are taken of, was I free to go out and have fun. Under the age of 12, they were never left alone. If I could afford to go out, I could afford a responsible sitter. On the other hand, a happy mother is a better parent. I tried to socialize with adults at least once a week.

* The job was my second priority. Children are expensive. You want to exemplify a good work ethic so they don't think that going on welfare is acceptable just because you're having a rough time. As the breadwinner, you can't burn the candle at both ends and expect to keep your job.

* They can meet your friends when the occasion arises, but don't include them in any couple's activities until you've known the person long enough to be sure he'll be a good influence. I went out with one fellow who played a guitar and sang cowboys songs. The kids loved it when he came over. They knew the words to all the songs and sang along enthusiastically. He and I parted company when my ears couldn't take any more.

* When you accept an invitation from a gentleman friend to go on a special excursion with the children, such as to a zoo or theme park, be sure you pay the bill for your family. You don't want to be indebted to anyone for expenses incurred by your children. Some people can expect too many privileges in return. You need to retain your independence as a free agent, if and until you find the special one who will help you with the all-important parenting role on a permanent basis.

* Have a long-term goal in mind so that you can be honest with your dates. If you aren't interested in a relationship, but want a legal marriage, tell them. There's no sense wasting everyone's time. The children will benefit from having lots of friends, but a series of pseudo "uncles" can be detrimental to good character formation.

The experience of being a single mom is challenging, and there will be times when you think that trying to date under those circumstances is an impossible endeavour. But, it will also be a period of incredible growth and maturing. If you stick to your principles, everything will work out for the best. You'll keep the love and respect of your children, and you may even find, as I did, someone who was willing and eager to accept the package deal and restore your family once again to a complete unit.

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Love at first sight vs. love learned

I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in attraction at first sight, or even lust at first sight, but it is impossible to love a person the first time you lay eyes on him. To illustrate my point, consider the following scenario:

You, a young lady, are at a party given by a business associate. Many of the guests are strangers to you. Suddenly, you are introduced to the most attractive man you have ever seen. He is tall, well-built, and reminds you of a combination of your favorite movie star and the high school teacher on whom you had a mad crush throughout your entire secondary school career. For once, you are at a loss for words. You are ready to fall at the feet of this Greek god who has entered your life so unexpectedly. For you, it is certainly love at first sight! However, he bows politely, then turns away and moves off in the direction of an exquisitely-garbed society matron who is literally dripping with diamonds.

There are a few items of interest about your Prince Charming which you should know. He has just been released from prison where he has served a term for armed robbery. He has been divorced three times. He has fathered four children from different alliances to whom he owes thousands of dollars in overdue support payments. Since he is allergic to work, he is seeking a female meal ticket who will support him in the manner to which he would like to become accustomed. He did give you a moment's consideration, but you clearly were not wealthy enough to suit his purpose. He is off in search of better pickings.

Over in the corner, a quiet young man has watched the proceedings. He rises, comes to your side and asks if he may get you a drink. You glance at him and barely catch yourself in time to keep from wrinkling up your nose at his appearance. He is short; he looks as if his outfit was chosen by a blind man, and he has a little pot belly hanging over the belt buckle on his pants. He has a cowlick and his ears are crooked. You accept his offer because you are still mourning the loss of the Greek Adonis, but you decide to ditch him at the first opportunity.

There are a few items of interest about this young man which you should know. He has never married because he has been caring for his aged mother. She has recently passed away, leaving him the family estate. He is well-off financially in his own right, but has a poor sense of style, so his wardrobe is not impressive. Because he has spent weeks sitting patiently at her bedside, he is not in the best physical shape. He loves animals and books, just like you, and if you can get past judging solely by appearance, you'll find that he would be an extremely compatible companion.

In time, through dating, shared conversations and experiences with this unassuming individual, you would find that friendship and trust would grow slowly but surely into a true and lasting love. You would no longer see his physical imperfections, but his dear face and form would be the most beautiful and welcome sight in your world.

Love at first sight is an impossibility. You cannot love what you do not know. You may feel an attraction, as you might to a lovely flower, but even that loveliness may turn out to be the blossom of a poisonous plant.

Love at first sight is an illusion. Only through time and interaction with another person, can you be sure that you have found true love. Like a pearl of great price, true love takes time to develop and mature. Once you find the real thing, the prize is well worth the effort, because real love, true love, will never die. It is eternal.

Reasons why some people won't commit

It can be a heartbreaking situation when one half a couple is ready for marriage and the other half isn't. The reluctant partner may keep stalling, and seem perfectly happy with the present arrangement, in which each partner enjoys the other's company and there are no strings attached.

Usually it's the female who, prompted by her nest-building instincts, pushes for a commitment. She may want to start a family, and feel that there would be more stability and security for her children and herself within a traditional marriage.

The male, especially in contemporary society, may see no necessity to make a permanent commitment. His friends are engaging in serial relationships, and it seems to work out well. Who knows? In time, they may find that "perfect soul-mate" and settle down, but in the meantime, they seem to be having a pretty good time.

The reluctant partner may not want to disclose his reasons for refusing to commit. In fact, he may not be aware of them himself, but chances are they'll fall into one or more of the following categories:

(1) He fears the loss of freedom. Females mature earlier than males. The gals are ready to settle down and raise a family while guys the same age are hoping to sew a few more wild oats. It's wise to leave and let him get on with it. If he doesn't do it before marriage, he'll do it after and that can lead to tragedy for everyone concerned.

(2) He fears taking on the responsibility. He's just not ready for a wife, kids, a house, a mortgage, and all the sacrifices that kind of life entails. If the girl has children from a former marriage, he'll be expected to assume extra responsibilities, which he really doesn't want.  She'd better move on quickly, before he breaks her heart.

(3) He's had a bad experience with a former marriage or long-term relationship. He's not anxious to experience the pain again. Some people eventually overcome this circumstance, others never will.

(4) He's too self-centered. He wants to travel, to have an expensive car and to do whatever he wishes, whenever it suits him. His partner is expected to wait on him hand and foot. It is unlikely anyone will ever try to get this type to commit. Who wants to be a slave for the rest of her life?

(5) He's not sure this girl is the right one. Most of the time he loves her and enjoys being in her company, but he's haunted by the possibility that he may meet his "true soul-mate" later on and it will be too late.

(6) He has other responsibilities. He may be looking after sick, elderly parents, or have huge alimony and child support payments to make. He may be putting younger siblings through college or university, and feel that he can't handle any more expenses at this time.

(7) There is a huge difference in religion or culture. Often members of two branches of the Christian Church can unite quite easily, but how about two more disparate groups, such as a Jew and a Muslim, or an atheist and an Evangelical Christian? It could be a recipe for trouble and he is smart enough to see it.

(8) He has a job which doesn't lend itself to a stable married life. He may be a undercover agent, a traveling salesman, or a long-distance driver. If this is holding him back, the girl must convince him she can cope with the difficulties.

(9) He may have a real or perceived disability, which he doesn't want to disclose to a spouse. He could be illiterate, or sterile, or carry the inherited gene for a catastrophic illness. He may have a close relative with a severe physical or mental illness, for whom he'll be fully responsible at some future time. There may be some personal or family secret which he feels is too horrific to share.

(10) Marriage would involve too great a change in lifestyle. If the girl lives in the United States or Canada, and he comes from Afghanistan and his family expects him to go back when he finishes school, he may feel the differences in lifestyle would be too great. If she is an animal lover and in his culture they eat dogs, a marriage likely wouldn't work out. If the girl's family is wealthy, and his family has lived on welfare for generations, there are bound to be problems.

Some of these reasons for refusing to commit are quite legitimate, and the reluctant partner is wise not to enter a marriage or even a long-term relationship until they can be worked out, if they ever can.

However, it is unfair to keep stalling. By the time a couple has been dating six months, they should honestly and openly have discussed their long-term goals. If the objectives don't match, and no compromise can be found, the relationship should be ended. It may be painful, but it would be worse later. Don't waste any more time; move on; live and learn; the future awaits.

" Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and often ends with a teardrop. " Anonymous

How to overcome post-relationship blues

How could I have been so stupid?" You wring your hands and bemoan the loss of the person you once believed to be your true soul-mate. Whether the break-up was initiated by you or by the other party, the emptiness feels like an unrelenting toothache in the general area of your heart. How can you ease the ache, and start the healing process?

It is important to recognize that this is a time to be good to yourself. You have experienced the death of a relationship, one that was important to you. You need time to grieve. Cry if you feel like it. Invite good friends over, one at a time, and rehash the whole affair over and over again, until even you are getting tired of talking about it. Eventually, you'll realize that your grief is spent, and it's time to move on.

You are on your own again. It's time to focus on you, to be your own best friend. Start with your immediate environment. Do you really like your living quarters? Do the colours and furnishings reflect only your taste and personality? You could paint, buy a few pieces of furniture, or choose different pictures for the walls- items that say, "This is me and this is what I like." Try to create surroundings that are totally you, where you can be relaxed and comfortable.

In your quest to rediscover yourself as an unattached single, make a list of things you like to do. Without having to consider the likes and dislikes of anyone else, what activities have you enjoyed by yourself in the past? Prioritize the items on your list from most enjoyable to least. Starting at the top, resolve to engage in at least several of your previously-favourite activities each week.

What solitary hobbies did have before you became one-half of a couple? Did you knit, do woodworking, collect coins or crochet? Buy fresh supplies of whatever you need and rededicate your efforts to making an item or collection that will showcase your talent.

You are now the sole possessor of the remote control for the TV. Make up your own personal TV Guide. You'll have to watch the latest offerings until you decide which are enjoyable enough to put on your list.

Make up a weekly menu and prepare a shopping list. This can be fun, because you'll buy only food you like. It's OK to treat yourself for a while, to celebrate you new-found freedom and independence. If you'd like to have ice cream and strawberries for breakfast, go ahead.

Would you like to have a pet? Depending on your circumstances, a kitten or a puppy would be great company. Even a small aquarium mitigates the feeling of coming home to an empty apartment. A budgie or parakeet can be trained to greet you by name.

When you are comfortably settled into your routine as an unattached single, look around for some ways in which you can be of help to others less fortunate. If friends and family don't need your attention at the moment, consider volunteering at a hospital or seniors' complex or at your church. You'll soon find that your schedule is so crowded, that you may have to cut back on some of the personal pastimes you'd launched just for your own pleasure.

Inevitably, sooner or later, you'll meet another potential partner with whom you might want to share your life. Remember the lessons learned from the last relationship. Don't give up your independence and keep the self-confident person you have become, ready to emerge again in the blink of an eye.

Nothing is certain in this life but change. The only constant companion you can truly count on, is yourself.

What qualifies a man as potential dating material?

So, you feel you've reached a point in your life, whether for the first time, or the fifth, when you're ready to settle down, and enter a relationship which has the potential to lead to a lifetime commitment. Being busy with a full-time job, friends and family, you don't want to waste time and energy on potential partners who might be fine for some other girl, but who would never be right for you.

Every girl will have different qualifications in mind for her Prince Charming. It is helpful to write your requirements down before you start to look in earnest. That way, you won't be waylaid by an enchanting smile or the new Ferrari in his driveway. These, while very attractive, might mask a lack of other qualities which you know he must possess in order to become your "One and Only". It's a good idea to check off items on your list as you find evidence that he fulfills that particular criteria.

Here, then, is my particular list. Yours may be quite different and that's fine. There's enough guys out there for all of us to find a custom fit.

(1.) He should be ordinary-looking. It he's very handsome, he'll probably be conceited. Besides, I want to be the best-looking one of the couple. If he's very ugly, can he be fixed up? Would the services of a competent dentist or perhaps a plastic surgeon help?

(2,) He must be clean and neat. I don't care if his wardrobe is inexpensive but I'd like his hair to be cut and his shoes tied. He should have enough fashion sense to avoid stripes and plaid in the same outfit.

(3.) He must have a steady job, and not in a profession I find distasteful. I'm sorry but I can't see myself crazy about a mortician or someone who works in a fish market, for instance. He should make a decent living wage, but I intend to keep working to supplement the family income.

(4.) He should live a healthy lifestyle. Ask who his family doctor is. If he doesn't have one, that's a red flag. When was his last annual check-up? More than two years ago? That's another danger signal. Maybe he just forgets to make appointments. Ask him why he avoids doctors. His answer should be revealing.

(5.) He must love children. Ask him to tell you about his nieces and nephews or the neighbor's children. You'll be able to tell by the tone of his remarks whether he's fond of them or finds them to be little pains in the neck. If you are hoping to have a family with him, this issue needs to be resolved before you progress any further in the relationship.

(6.) Watch how he treats and speaks about his mother. It's an old truism that he'll treat and refer to wife in the same way, once that early glow of romantic passion has worn off.

(7.) I definitely do not want a hyperactive partner. Can he relax in the evening and contentedly watch a movie or a TV program or does he always have to be on the move? Heaven deliver me from another "Perpetual-motion Machine". They are exhausting!

 (8.) Can he find a listing in the phone book in under half an hour? I'm not an intellectual snob, but it would be hard for me to have respect for someone who can't read and write at least on a high school level. Having respect for your mate is an absolute must.

(9.) Does he share at least some of the activities I enjoy? If he is the ultimate sports enthusiast, and I think sports are a complete waste of time and manpower, we're going to have too many problems for peaceful coexistence.

(10.) Religion can be a big stumbling block, not so much between different branches of Christianity, but between a Christian and an adherent of a non-Christian faith. For example, if I'm a Fundamentalist Christian, and he's a devout Muslim, don't even bother meeting for that first coffee date.

There are other differences which will need to be addressed, but they are less important, and open to negotiation: smoking and drinking habits, desired family size, with whose family to spend Christmas, whether or not to have pets, and other minutiae of day-to-day living.

Every girl's list will be different, and that's fine. Making up your list, keeping your requirements in mind, and checking off items as Prince Charming fulfills your qualifications is the surest way to make sure that the two of you have an excellent chance of living happily ever after.