If you're unfortunate enough to
fall in love with a married man, turn and run the other way, just as fast as
your legs can carry you. To continue down the path ahead is to walk willingly
into a dark, murky swamp composed of little more than depression, heartbreak
and futility. The longer you hesitate, the deeper you'll sink, the more mud is
likely to cling to you, and the harder it will be to finally escape and move
on.
Here are only a few of the many
challenges and disadvantages you'll experience if you become entangled in a
relationship with a man who has previously taken a solemn vow to love, honor
and cherish another woman...
* You'll be alone on vacations,
major holidays and most weekends. These are family times. You may think you're
important to him, but face it, you're not family. They have a prior claim on
his time and his loyalty.
* He may promise to be with you
when the children are grown, or when his parents have passed on, or when his
wife is strong enough to stand alone, but after all, he's a cheater and he's
already lying to one woman. How can you possibly believe his promises?
* Your friends and family will be
against this relationship, because they love you and want only the best for
you. You will not be able to discuss matters with them, and they certainly
won't be welcoming him into their inner circle.
* When you're out on the town,
he'll frequently look over his shoulder, not wanting to been seen in your company.
When you're alone together, he'll often check his watch, needing to be home
before his wife gets suspicious. He'll never be able to relax completely.
Hence, neither will you. Being #2 is not fun.
* What about those office
Christmas parties, family birthdays, weddings, even funerals? You'll be
attending these functions alone, with no visible partner to support you or keep
you company. You'll be an object of pity and many will wonder what's wrong with
you, and why you can't find a boyfriend.
* Life is short and youth is
fleeting. You are wasting valuable time when you should be laying a firm
foundation for a bright future with someone you can trust. Wake up and smell
the coffee! You deserve so much better than this two-timer.
* To him, it's a fling, an
enjoyable interlude in a marriage which is comfortable, but may have become
routine. Stolen moments with you provide elements of thrill and danger to an
otherwise humdrum existence.
* Even if he says he's ready to
leave home and set up housekeeping with you, consider this: if Wife #1 couldn't
trust him, why would you think Wife #2 would be able to? You'll just be taking
on someone else's heartache. Seriously, who needs it?
* Most serious of all, if there
are children involved, think of them. He may not be much, but he's their dad.
Are you willing to be responsible for breaking up their family? If they're old
enough to remember that he left their mother because of you, it will be
difficult to become an effective stepparent.
These are only a few of the
problems you'll encounter, if you allow youself to fall in love with a married
man. Use your will power and your common sense and run, don't walk in the
opposite direction as quickly as you can.
As the old adage states,
"There's plenty of fish in the sea". Why waste your valuable time,
attention and talent on the stale, second-hand junk variety, who was hooked by
someone else years ago?
You deserve a much better future
than he can offer you. Leave the swamp, move out into the sunshine and go after
it!
So, you're looking for a
beautiful woman with whom to have a relationship. The degree of difficulty
you'll experience depends on your definition of beauty.
If you're searching only for
outward, physical attractiveness, there are plenty of beautiful females around.
Check out the beaches, the health clubs, high-priced fashion boutiques, beauty
salons and other places where lovely ladies are likely be congregate.
However,
be aware that you might encounter a slight problem. These beautiful women are
probably accustomed to being courted by handsome, well-to-do gentlemen. Do you
fit into this category?
If so, approach the girl of your
choice, and turn on the charm.
One other note of caution: check
out her left hand for engagement or
wedding rings. These outwardly attractive females are often the first
ones snatched up by serious suitors who propose marriage. The girl whom you
judge to be the most attractive may be married, or may be determined to get
married. She may not wish to settle for "a relationship". Some girls
are funny that way; they prefer the more definite and secure status of being a
wife.
Perhaps you need to adjust your
criteria for a partner in the relationship. How about choosing a girl with a
pleasant, but not outstandingly beautiful appearance? If you're able to look
beyond her outer image, you may discover a personality worth more than all the
bleached-blond, Marilyn Monroe types in Hollywood. There are important questions
whose answers will be significant in determining the quality and duration of the
relationship you're searching for:
Do you share similar interests?
Will your family and friends approve of your choice? Is she happy and secure
within herself, or is she looking for a free ride and someone who'll take care
of her? Can she cook? How many ex-husbands or ex-partners has she had? Do you
share the same taste in music, movies, restaurants? Are your temperaments
compatible?
If, after a reasonable amount of
time in which you get to know each other, the young lady is able to provide
positive and acceptable replies to all these questions, and you enter into a
relationship with her, you should consider yourself one very fortunate man
indeed.
If you're not convinced, let your imagination leap twenty-five years into the
future, and picture each of these scenarios.
If you had found a partner who
was beautiful, in fact, drop-dead gorgeous, and somehow, you got her to agree
to enter a relationship with you, where would you be? You might be waking up
each morning in bed beside a bony, orange-haired, wrinkled shrew, who is
demanding, in a shrill voice, for you to hurry up and bring her breakfast!
Contrast that to the image of
waking up to a smiling partner, maybe wrinkled, but still pleasant-looking, who
is getting ready for work, as the aroma of fresh coffee drifts through the
bedroom. When she's ready, she'll lay out your clothes for the office.
Such a woman is worth her weight in diamonds! If you were smart, you decided to
cement your relationship with a wedding ring before some other guy could moved
in on you and enticed her away!
Part of the maturing process in
humans is discovering that, as the old saying goes, "Beauty is only skin
deep." It is also fleeting. If you find a woman with whom you can think
you can spend the rest of your life, even if she isn't a raving beauty, don't
let her walk away. Be astute enough to look below the surface to where real,
lasting beauty resides: in her character. You'll never regret your decision,
and you'll be the envy of many of those men who, years before, entered a
relationship or married one of the drop-dead gorgeous females.
The evening a young couple
becomes engaged is typically a romantic, idyllic occasion. The nervous,
prospective groom kneels before his intended bride and offers her a ring, a
sign of his love, and he asks her to be his wife. It's probably the most expensive
ring he can afford. In fact, it may be more than he can afford, and he's
possibly saddled himself with payments on it for months to come.
The young lady is overjoyed. She
has been waiting for this moment for weeks. She accepts the ring with stars in
her eyes, and as her Romeo slips it on her finger, she believes that she is
probably the happiest and the luckiest girl in the world! "Of course, I'll
marry you," she promises. A passionate, lingering kiss and embrace seal
the agreement between the two lovers.
Let's fast forward this amorous
scenario to six months later. Things have drastically changed.
Our young Juliette is once more
face-to-face with her Romeo, but this time the ring is passed from her hand to
his. It seems that her employer, an older, more experienced and very wealthy
man, upon noticing her engagement ring, suddenly realized that he had loved her
all along. He has declared his love and literally swept her off her feet. In
this case, Juliette breaks their agreement and she should return the ring.
Alternately, it could have
happened that Romeo, after a few drinks, had a one-night stand with a cocktail
waitress, who just happened to be Juliette's second cousin. Family being
family, it didn't take long for the word to reach his fiancee's fair ear. When
asked to meet Juliette at her home, Romeo is confronted by both girls, and
he has no defense. He is responsible for the broken agreement; he loses
Juliette and the ring.
What if the engagement is broken
by mutual agreement? Suppose, for the honeymoon, Juliette wants to visit her
grandmother in Miami, Florida. Romeo is determined to visit his grandfather who
is seriously ill in Nome, Alaska. Neither party will give in. An intense
argument ensues and the engagement is broken by mutual consent. There is no
more promise of marriage. The agreement to wed, made between the young couple,
no longer exists.
The situation returns to what it
was prior to the agreement being made. Romeo owns the ring. He may be able to
return it and at least escape the obligation of making further payments.
Juliette again has no ring, but she has prospects of having this one replaced
in the near future by a more ostentatious one.
The best way to solve the dilemma
of who keeps the engagement ring after the break-up: the one who breaks the engagement forfeits the ring. If the
engagement is broken by mutual agreement, the girl should return the ring.
In actuality, there are often so
many hard feelings involved in the breakup, that possession becomes 9/10 of the law and the
girl will keep the ring. Even if she knows she should return it, and he would like to
have it back, neither of them wishes to be near enough to the other for the
ring to be returned to its rightful owner.
If you don't like kids, forget
the whole idea. When dating a single mom, the children are part of the package.
This fact may not be evident at first, but as soon as your date begins to
really like and trust you, she'll introduce you the most important people in
her life: her children.
If she's a good mom, her children
will be her number one priority and you'll have to accept this. In fact, you
should admire her for it. It's a sign that she honors her commitments. If and
when she decides to make a permanent commitment to you, she won't treat it
lightly. You'll be able to trust her with your heart, your wallet, and your
future.
How you win your date's trust and
affection is your concern. Be assured that she values the same qualities as
most women: politeness, quiet strength, thoughtfulness, interest in her life
and activities, dependability, and the ability to be calm and rational in a
crisis. Single parent families tend to have a lot of crises.
I'll leave the romance department
to your discretion. In this article, I'll give you tips of how to gain
acceptance, at least, from the children. You need to lead them gradually to the
realization that you'd be a definite benefit to have as part of the family.
The journey to this goal can be
slow. Children in single parent families often have a poor image of men in
general, especially if their father was abusive, had anger issues, or the
divorce process was long and bitter. If they believe they've been rejected and
almost abandoned by one man, they're not going to be in a great rush to trust
another, especially a stranger.
The first meetings should be
short and casual. Be friendly, smile, inquire about their interests and their
school work. The occasional small inexpensive gift would be fine, such as a
comic book, or a package of gum .Don't overdo it. You want them to look forward
to your company, not your gifts.
The first outings together should
be family-type trips: going to the ice cream shop, to a parade, something
casual, there and back, a fun while it lasted but then back to routines, type
of deal.
Keep your eyes open for ways to
help that only a man can do right: fix a bike, show a boy how to tie a necktie,
help with Algebra homework, explain how to train a puppy, things like that.
With access to Google these days, you can learn quickly anything you need.
The first time they ask their mom
if you can stay for supper, or whether she'll call and ask you over in the
evening to help with homework or some other child-oriented task, you'll know
you're making progress. You're becoming part of the circle, a person they feel
they can trust and count on.
If, at any point, you realize
that you weren't cut out for the father role, do the honorable thing and bow
out of the picture gracefully as soon as you can. Whatever you do, don't let
the children know it was because of them. They may come to regard themselves as
pariahs and this could have negative effects on their long-term emotional
health.
You might have a new project at
work that will take up much of your time, or perhaps be starting a night course
to upgrade your qualifications. There are many creative excuses as to why you
won't be around as much anymore. Children are adaptable and they've already
lost the most important man in their life, their dad. They won't miss you for
long.
If you decide that you want to be
part of the family on a permanent basis, congratulations! The rewards will be
many, but always remember that, while the children's mother is your wife, you are
not and can never be their father. Your role is to be a trusted friend and
advisor. You support their mother, you formulate strategy together with her in
private, but she must do the actual disciplining.
If you start bellowing like King
Kong and issuing orders, you'll hear the stereotypical retort of unhappy
stepchildren to an authoritarian stepparent: " I don't have to listen to
you. You're not my father ( mother)!" Once the disrespect and bitterness
sets in, it's hard to overcome.
You can see that, to enter into
an endeavor like this, it's imperative that you have a basic love and interest
in children and young people. If you don't, you'll never make it through the
months and years ahead when these particular children will be an intricate part
of your life, your family.
When you're old and gray, if
you've fulfilled your chosen role well, these same children, then adults, will
regard you with the same respect and affection as their mom. Families are meant
to be forever. Though yours didn't start out in the usual way, it can end just
as well.
Eventually we girls all discover
that the only place the man of our dreams exists is - just there, in our
dreams.
The delusion begins, I think, in
early childhood with fairy tales wherein the beautiful princess marries the
handsome prince and everyone lives happily ever after. As we grow older, we
play with Barbie and Ken dolls; they live glorious make-believe lives, dressed
in elegant outfits, riding around in flashy cars, all the while sporting
mindless, plastic smiles. It was difficult to imagine them having any problems.
I mean, would Ken ever yell at Barbie for leaving the bathroom tap dripping?
Not in your wildest dreams!
Most of the movies reinforce our
unrealistic view of love and marriage. The stars may have some problems to
overcome at the beginning of the story, but they invariably solve them and
stroll off into the sunset,to love and cherish each other, in their
mortgage-free mansion, for the rest of their natural lives. Even Beauty's Beast
turned into a handsome prince at the conclusion the Walt Disney production.
And so, a young lady entering the
dating scene may expect to find a living, breathing Ken doll waiting around the
next corner, to sweep her away from her boring existence: school, homework,
clean up your room, get off the phone, be home by ten on school nights. If
anyone was ever in need of a dream man, it's she!
Whom does she probably encounter?
A slightly older teenager with a bad complexion, droopy pants and a baseball
cap on backward. His idea of a big date is a walk in the park and enjoying a
Coke with two straws before he walks her home. She keeps looking, and looking
and looking. She finds many beasts and not one of them shows the slightest sign
of changing into anything better. Meanwhile, she is getting older. Her friends
are getting married and some of them are becoming mothers. What to do?
Maybe she'll have to compromise.
Even the beast didn't become a prince until the end of the story. So she
chooses the least objectionable beau, hoping to be able to exert enough good
influence to smooth out the rough spots and shape him into the man of her
dreams, a husband fit for a princess, or, as she becomes when she marries him,
a queen.
Eventually, the truth dawns. As
she views her own marriage and those of her friends, she realizes that a dream
man doesn't exist. Her husband, and those of her friends are human beings, and
humans are not perfect. As she becomes older and more mature, she figures out
that it's probably a good thing too. A perfect person would be very hard to
live with.
Ladies, if you want to live
happily ever after, grab a geek. You may have difficulty, because geeks are
notoriously shy. Check the libraries, art museums, cultural centers, as well as
any sites of higher education in your area. If you succeed in finding one, open
the conversation with a question, because geeks love to share knowledge. This
type of guy makes the best husband. Here's why:
(1.) First of all, your family
will approve of him. Geeks have mastered the art of behaving well in company.
Their manners are impeccable; their language above reproach. Whatever the topic
of conversation, they can add interesting tidbits of information. Your parents
know instinctively that you will be safe when in the company of this
intelligent young man.
(2.) If he proposes marriage, you
can do all the planning for the wedding. The social particulars won't be of any
interest to him. His mind will be on more important matters, like designing a
car that runs on ginger ale. Call your mother and arrange the wedding you've
always dreamed of.
(3.) After you're married, you'll
have no financial worries. Your husband will be handsomely reimbursed for the
plans to his radical new pollution-free automobile, plus numerous other
innovative inventions and projects which his nimble mind has devised. You will
often find yourself, smiling graciously, stylishly coifed and outfitted,
standing on a podium with him, while he receives the accolades of his admirers.
(4.) All your girlfriends will
envy you and wish that they had found a geek of their own. All your old
boyfriends will be kicking themselves because they let you get away. They'll be
sure you have some remarkable power to propel your mate to remarkable success
in his chosen field.
(5.) Given their genetic
inheritance, your children will be highly intelligent, with a few geniuses
probable among the lot. There will be no bad report cards, complaining
teachers, or worry about having to repeat a grade, in your family.
(6.) You and your children will
travel the world in style. Besides the numerous business conferences your
spouse must attend, there will be several holidays a year. Because he is so
dedicated and industrious, he'll undoubtedly be obliged to take frequent breaks
for health reasons. Since finances are not a problem, you should be able to
span the globe eventually.
(7.) They say education is a
lifetime endeavor and in your case it will certainly be so. Every day your
spouse will share interesting opinions and information which you may have
difficulty comprehending at first. Because he loves you, he'll enjoy patiently
explaining everything until you understand thoroughly.
(8.) Because he is highly
intelligent, his friends will be of the same calibre. Your circle will likely
include specialists in science, education and technology. You'll meet
dignitaries in many fields in various lands. You will have a fuller and more
interesting existence than you ever thought possible.
(9.) You housekeeping or culinary
skills will never be criticized. You could feed the average geek a hamburger
from MacDonald's or oatmeal porridge. He'd finish either off contentedly,
mutter, "Thanks, Dear, that was delicious.", and go off about his
business. His mind may be occupied with the problem of eliminating pollution
from jet-propelled snowboots.
(10.)Your geek husband will never
be bossy or try to run your life. In fact, one of your major duties will be to
keep track of his schedule and get him to the right place at the appropriate
time. These types are notoriously absent-minded. If he has trouble managing his
own schedule, he'll hardly be interested in arranging yours.
So, there you are, ladies. What
more could any reasonable woman ask? You'll have no financial worries, be the
envy of your friends, a world traveller, and have bright, cultured children. In
everyday life, you'll be surrounded by interesting people, possess the latest
in technology, yet remain free to follow your own interests and arrange your
own schedule.
You'd better hurry out right now
and grab a geek. When word gets around, everybody will want one. Then they'll
be as scarce as hen's teeth, and you may be out of luck!
You see a stranger, maybe at a party, whose appearance immediately attracts you. He may not be the most glamorous person in the world, but there's just something about him... Maybe he resembles your dad or a favorite teacher. How can you arrange a date, so that you can become better acquainted?
First, you have to start a
conversation. Is there anyone around who can introduce you? If not, approach in
a non-threatening manner, with a smile and extended hand. "Hi, I'm Chris.
May I ask you where you got that tie (or those earrings)? I'm looking for one
just that shade for my dad's (or mom's) birthday."
Everyone loves to be asked for
help or advice. You can choose any topic wherein he is likely to be more
knowledgeable than you. He'll be happy to enlighten you. You could ask here if
a spouse picked out the tie. If he's spoken for, you may as well stop now.
Nothing but trouble and heartache lie down that path.If he's single, carry on.
Now that you're talking, try to
broaden the focus. "Dad really hates wearing ties, but he works in a bank,
so he doesn't have much choice. Do you normally look that great at work? If
he's smiling, and seems interested, you can now find out where he works, if
he's occupationally well-adjusted, and how he hopes his career will unfold in
the future.
If you happen to be in the same
field or a related one, you can proceed to discuss mutual business
acquaintances, good outlets for your products, or available courses which would
be helpful for promotion. You might decide to carpool to an upcoming lecture or
seminar, all in the interest of business, of course.
If this avenue leads to a dead
end, try another."Wow! You work so darn hard, you must need some pretty
intensive down time. What do you do to relax?" If he mentions sports,
movies, theater, anything that isn't a solo activity, you can suddenly develop
an interest in the same pastime. This presents endless possibilities for shared
pursuits.
Even if he only likes reading
lengthy eighteenth century novels written in German, you can promise to browse
your favorite book stores when you're there anyway, and call him if you find
one by his favorite author. You'll need his phone number, of course.
At this point, you might decide
to leave and grab a coffee at Tim Horton's. It's been a long day. Would he care
to join you? If not, bid him a pleasant goodnight and remark that you enjoyed
the conversation and hope to meet him again.
In a few days, you might come
into possession of two tickets for one of his favorite pastimes. It seems a
shame to go alone, when you are sure he would enjoy the evening too. He may be
happy to join you. I hope you kept that phone number.
If you're really determined, you
could actually hit the book stores and look for that German novel.
These strategies may help you
meet some very interesting people. They work more often than not. For those
times that they don't, dwell on positives. At least you have the satisfaction
of knowing you gave it your best shot. Regard it as a practice run for when
that really, really interesting person comes along. Every time, it will get
easier. Sooner or later, you'll meet the one who was meant for you.
