Are relationships healthy?

Some relationships can be extremely healthy, such as those between devoted spouses or those between loving parents and their children. These relationships provide stability, security, an opportunity for growth both for individuals and as a couple or a family unit. The traditional family has been the basic building block of every successful society in recorded history.

Recently, the term "relationship" has taken on a different meaning. It has come to refer to two people, dating each other exclusively, in a sexual relationship, and quite likely living together and sharing all aspects of they lives. These relationships may or may not produce children.

These latter types of relationships are decidedly unhealthy. They endanger every aspect of the health and well-being of the participants.

In this article, I'll discuss only the physical, emotional, spiritual and financial consequences for each partner. There are more considerations which could easily be discussed, along with negative effects on the children, but these four should be sufficient to prove my point.

The physical health of partners in a relationships is endangered, and the more relationships, the greater the danger. Sooner or later, one of the participants will meet up with new partner who has an undiagnosed STD. Too much "togetherness" can definitely have a negative effect on health.

It takes six months to get a reliable result from an AIDS test. How many young people are willing to wait that long before engaging in dangerous behaviour with their partner? In my experience, there are not too many. The AIDS virus is much more perilous than the common cold. You cannot exercise too much caution in seeking to avoid it.

Relationships are usually transitory. If this were not understood, the couple would marry or at least become engaged. While living with uncertainty, emotional health is bound to suffer. How can one party truly express his or her feelings when they know the other can leave at a moment's notice? Many times anger, hurt, and other negative emotions are repressed. Lack of communication between a couple is always unhealthy.

When the inevitable explosion occurs, it will probably encompass every grievance since the acquaintanceship began and may well signal the end of the partnership.

In a relationship, there is continual pressure on both parties to be polite, pleasant well-groomed, fun and accommodating. Unfortunately, human nature doesn't work than way. Everyone needs downtime. Trying to keep up an attractive front 24/7 produces serious stress, definitely harmful to one's emotional health. Notice how many people in relationships are chain smokers, or have eating issues. They are seldom at peace.

In danger as well is the spiritual wellbeing of the partners in the relationship. Most adults who grew up in intact families realize that this is the best way to live and the best environment in which to raise children.

Often the partners may rush into a relationship on impulse, only to regret it soon afterward. Staying in a relationship through boredom, through fear of being alone, or because one lacks the courage to leave, cannot fail to disturb a healthy conscience.

Financial security as well, will evade partners in a relationship. In most jurisdictions, "common-law" spouses are each entitled to half the joint property when the partnership dissolves. A person who has participated in a series of relationships with sharp and acquisitive partners will be lucky indeed to end up as financially healthy as he was before he started on the marathon.

Those anxious to preserve their physical, emotional, spiritual and financial health will not even consider entering into a "relationship" in the contemporary sense of the word. Often new inventions, new knowledge and new customs enhance the welfare of the human family. However, this is one new practice which will do those who choose to participate in it, nothing but harm.

How to cope with unwanted advances

No one likes to be bothered or harassed. When it occurs because of something over which one has little control, such as gender, appearance, or a friendly personality, it can be very frustrating. Women are generally the victims of this type of treatment. Most men can be gruff and insultingly direct enough to discourage the most aggressive female.

In North America, sexual harassment, stalking, and related behaviors are illegal. However, before calling in the law, here are some less extreme strategies you may wish to try:

*If it's a one-time annoyance, such as catcalls, whistles or jibes when you pass a construction site, the best plan is to ignore the bad manners and proceed on your way. It may be wise to use an alternate route until the work crew has moved on to the next job. 

* If it's a co-worker who steps out of line and you like your job, you need to discourage him without creating animosity. You still need to interact with him, maybe on a daily basis, so try to nip the problem in the bud. Say "No", or "Not interested", politely but firmly. Don't be rude, but make it plain that his advances are inappropriate and unwelcome.

 * If, in spite of your discouraging words, the harassment continues, tell the offender bluntly and assertively that you are not attracted to him, that the advances make you uncomfortable and that you want them to stop. Mention your husband or boyfriend often, (even if you have to invent one) who has a black belt in karate and is extremely jealous. 

* If you still have a problem, try being disagreeable. If he insists on waylaying you, or hanging around your work area, treat him like a servant. Ask him to get you coffee, empty your wastepaper basket, sweep up around your desk, refill your stapler, or run a memo over to another department. Address him in a sharp, bossy voice and the more numerous and demeaning the tasks you assign him, the better.

 * Under no circumstances allow yourself to be in a situation where you will be alone with him. It is often difficult to distinguish between someone who is just a nuisance, and someone who is mentally ill and potentially dangerous.

* No matter whether the aggressor is a co-worker, acquaintance, friend, or neighbor, as soon as you realize there is problem, start a written record or all incidents, encounters, and verbal exchanges between the two of you. It will be convincing evidence later if you need to take the matter to a higher authority.

* If the unpleasantness continues and you are becoming increasing nervous, take your journal to your supervisor, the Human Resources Department at work, your lawyer or the police and enlist their help. Don't wait too long. It's better to be safe than sorry. 

In a perfect world, every parent would teach their little boy to respect women and to treat them with courtesy and consideration. Unfortunately, not every parent is responsible and some young men choose not to follow parental directives.

 None of this is your fault. Your first concern is to safeguard your own well-being and safety. If his delayed lessons on good manners prove embarrassing or painful for the one harassing you, he has no one to blame but himself.  

Remembering that first kiss

It was 7:20 P.M. on a warm summer Sunday evening in 1955. Frances, Shirley and I stared at several stacks of greasy, gummy, gooey dinner dishes ready to be plunged into the sink full of soapy water. The band concert started at 8:30. We'd never finish this job, get dressed and out in time.

My friends' parents ran a small but elegant retirement home in the downtown area near the park. They expected the girls to do their share of the household duties, including the dinner dishes. Frances, Shirley and I had been friends since early childhood, so, on Sundays, I always showed up early at their house to help with the mountain of dishes. With luck, we would be free to leave the house a little earlier.

The band concert at Montebello Park was the social highlight of our week. We never missed a Sunday evening, but we seldom arrived on time. That was OK, because it didn't get dark until about 9:30 anyway. Anything romantic that might occur wouldn't happen until after dark. For seventeen and eighteen-year-old girls, as we were at that time, the possibility of romance was the main attraction of those summer evenings.

Of course, we also loved the mellow tones of the show tunes, the marches, and the polkas as the music drifted from the bandstand out through the soft evening air. We loved walking through the dark, fragrant rose garden, strolling across the grassy areas, past families on blankets and older folks in deck chairs. We'd sit for awhile at a picnic table under the trees, then emerge again into a lighted area, where street lights and the moon illuminated the audience of adults, children and teens.

We'd talk, and we'd giggle and watch the groups of young men, usually the same ones every week, as they walked around watching us. Shirley had one particular young friend with whom she'd sometimes pair off for a couple of circuits. Frances and I would trail behind, pretending not to notice.

One particular evening, Frances began to a conversation with a a teen she knew who was accompanied by a young sailor, at least he had on a military uniform. He could have just been a weekend cadet; neither of us would have known the difference. The sailor was introduced only as "Darky". He said he was staying at the Y.M.C.A. and would be shipping out the next day. Inevitably, Frances and her friend stopped to watch the moon, and were soon walking behind us, quite far behind.

"Shipping out!" How mature and potentially dangerous that sounded! This guy could be on his way to a war zone. He mightbe shot...killed...blown to bits. He might never come back, and I might be the last girl he'd ever talk to. As we strolled through the rose garden, I received my first kiss from Darky. Of course, I had to do my patriotic duty and kiss him back. Well, didn't I? Of course I did.

At the end of the evening we met the other girls at the bandstand. The boys left. Darky had to get his rest before he shipped out the next day. Frances and Shirley accompanied me home, then they walked home together. None of us were allowed to be out alone after dark.

We just happened to go by the Y the next day. We were going to wish Darky "Bon Voyage", before he shipped out. The man at the reception desk had never heard of him, and didn't remember any sailors staying there recently. I guess in retrospect, you might say that Darky and I had passed like two ships in the night.

Do I regret the circumstances of my first kiss? Not at all. My friends were near, it was a romantic and slightly mysterious everning, and since Darky never resurfaced, it won't come back to haunt me. Besides, I still like to think I acted in a very patriotic manner.

I understand the band concerts are still taking place on Sunday evenings in summer in Montebello Park, but I haven't been back for quite a few years. There are some special occasions that you just know can never be recaptured. It's wise to not even try.

Beware the impulsive personality

Most of us occasionally act on impulse and usually live to regret it. A person with an impulsive personality acts on impulse continually. It will land him or her in some pretty dreadful situations, and if you associate closely with someone with this personality disorder, you will soon be up to your neck in trouble right along with them.

At first, these people may seem like appealing friends. There is nothing boring about them; they live a free and spontaneous lifestyle. They are always doing something new and different. However it's only a matter of time until their impulsiveness leads them into trouble, and anyone with them will share their problems.

Here's how to recognize someone with this personality disorder:

* They are extremely nervous and fidgety. They have difficulty keeping arms, hands, legs and feet still.

* They are easily frustrated.

* They do not consider the past or the future; for the impulsive person there is only now.

* They do not think of the possible consequences of a comment or an action. They indulge in risky behaviors because it seems like fun at the moment.

* They are extremely blunt. They blurt out whatever pops into their head. They are incapable of being tactful, and they frequently "put their foot in their mouths".

* They interrupt conversations and finish other people's sentences, because they have a problem with taking turns.

* They want things immediately. They will run up huge credit card bills rather than wait until they can afford something.

* They will have a poor work record, because they will quit their job if anyone offends them in the slightest way.

* They have a tendency to engage in risky behaviors: drug and/or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, illicit sex, or problem gambling.

* When driving, they have a tendency to speed, run red lights, and are prone to traffic accidents.

* When shopping, they will hurry around the store, grabbing everything which takes their eye, then they may leave the whole works in a grocery cart in the check-out line, rather than wait in the line-up.

* They seldom finish a project, because they become distracted and rush off to do something else before it is completed.

* They have a tendency to brag, lie and make extreme promises they have no way of keeping.

If you are acquainted with someone with an impulsive personality, the most helpful thing you can do is to persuade them to get into therapy. Impulsiveness can be controlled. A qualified psychologist can lead the person to recognize and acknowledge the disorder, and then suggest methods of modifying the behavior so he can lead a normal and fulfilling life.

If you want to be a friend, offer support and encouragement while he is in treatment, but don't become too involved in mutual projects or activities until you're sure he's on the road to recovery.

Know anyone by studying their handwriting

Graphology is the study of a person's handwriting in order to discern characteristics, personality, and areas of ability. It is currently being used for vocational guidance to help students choose suitable careers, in personnel selection for business firms and banks, and to discern whether men and women are suitable marriage partners. Here are some fundamental features graphologists use to analyse of a sample of handwriting:

Pen Pressure

This indicates a person's vitality. Heavy pressure shows a robust, athletic individual; the pen marks will be visible on the reverse side of the paper. A light pen pressure will be noted in those who are delicate, supersensitive, inclined to be spiritual, and also in those who are unhealthy. Medium pressure has no special significance.

Slant

Rightward-flowing handwriting indicates an outgoing, extroverted person, one who leans toward people. An extreme right slant indicates someone with dramatic ability, an actor, a salesperson, a talk show host, but beware those artistic temper tantrums! Leftward slants indicate reserve, withdrawal with extreme slants showing antisocial tendencies. Someone whose handwriting is vertical is not influenced by emotions, his intellect is in total control.

Size

Large writing, unless there is a vision problem, often gives a clue to exhibitionism. Most people use a normal-size script. The smaller the writing, the better the powers of concentration. Microscopic writing belongs to the hermit, the introvert or a specialist in some field who examines every minute detail very carefully.

Basic Line

Lines that run uphill shows the writer is optimistic, cheerful, and well-rested. Lines that run downhill mean he is tired, depressed, sick, lacking in vitality, and may express self-doubt.

Margins and Spacing

The width or narrowness of margins and the space between words and letters indicate the width or narrowness of the writer's mind. Someone with wide spaces between letters and words is a clear-thinker who tends to be extravagant. Narrowness of margins and between words indicates a muddled thinker who tends to be economical. It the writing is poorly spaced in every respect, you are probably dealing with a mentally or emotionally disturbed person.

Zones

Divide the writing into three zones. The upper zone (loops) symbolize the person's principles, standards, ideals and spiritual life. The middle zone refers to reality and tells how he deals with practical problems. The lower zone gives clues to his physical demands, sexual potency, materialism and primitive impulses. The three zones should be in balance. If one is more emphasized than the others, you'll know where his priorities lie.

Capital Letters (Upper Case Letters)

The larger the capitals, the greater the pride. If they are also ornate and do not fit well with the overall style of the script, the writer likes fancy things which may not always be in good taste. Small capitals reveal modesty, self-effacement and often humility. Angular capitals tell us the person is somewhat rigid. Printed capitals show constructive ability.

Small Letters (Lower Case Letters)

A rounded garland-like look in handwriting tells us the person is pliable, gentle and often childlike. Angular writing shows mental development, but the very angular writer is an unyielding, humourless, exacting person. When the bottom of the letters are rounded, but the tops are sharp and angular, the mind of the person is keen, while his nature is gentle and tractable.

I have only been able to scratch the surface of this fascinating topic here. There are many books available at the library, or in good book stores which help you discover the significance of different types of t-bars, and i-dots. The formation of every capital, and small letter has a story to tell. Every space in a sample of handwriting means something.

Whether you're seeking to know yourself better, or find out about someone else, I have found this method to be very accurate. As with any skill, the more you practice and study, the better you become. When you are able to study the handwriting sample of someone with whom you must interact, whether it be an employer, a new date, a neighbor or a client, that person will no longer an unknown quantity.

"...and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free." John 8: 32

Factors that influence physical attraction

Are you on the lookout for a beautiful Cinderella or a handsome Prince Charming with whom to live happily ever after? Here's how to make a splendid first impression.

Physical attractiveness is usually the primary element which draws the attention of others. Before anything is known about character, personality, background or lifestyle, the outward appearance of an individual is the initial factor on which a stranger will base his or her initial judgement.

Males are more influenced by physical appearance than females. Men prefer women who are shorter than they are, who have a youthful appearance, flowing hair, a symmetrical face, full breasts and lips, and an attractive figure with a low waist-hip ratio. An erect posture, soft skin and long legs are additional assets.

Facial features are also important. Women who have small chins and noses and large, expressive eyes are considered "cute", and evoke an innate, masculine inclination to look after or care for these apparently childlike creatures.

If he is close enough to hear her conversation, he will be attracted by soft, melodious vocal tones. Loud, raspy, female voices are a definite turn-off, especially if her remarks are peppered with slang, and off-color words and phrases.

What physical features do females find attractive in men? Women prefer men to be taller than they are, with symmetrical, manly, facial features and a V-shaped torso: broad shoulders and a relatively narrow waist.

However, physical characteristics are usually of secondary importance when women are assessing the attractiveness of men. They realize that the best-looking males are likely to be conceited, self-absorbed and very high-maintenance.

Females tend to be attracted by more subtle qualities. They like a pleasant personality, an upright character, a natural, masculine appearance, self-confidence, and a sense of humor. They also find men who have a steady job and who like children very appealing.

A soft, gentle, deep voice is a definite asset when a female is assessing a man. Harsh tones hint at a bullying personality. Use of profanity or crude language is an indication of lack of culture. She would not be proud to introduce such an individual to her friends and family.

Attractive features tend to vary according to culture and time periods. In ancient China, small feet on females were considered symbols of great beauty. Consequently, the feet of young girls were bound so tightly that it caused great pain and frequently resulted in deformity.

In some cultures, obesity is considered beautiful. In Mauritania, young girls are force-fed because the people there believe that excess poundage indicates health, wealth and privilege.

Painters in the Renaissance Period, such as Peter Paul Reubens (1577-1640), depicted attractive women as very large and voluptuous.

In most cultures in the past, those with lighter skin tone were considered most attractive. In North America and Western Europe this changed for a period of time and a good suntan became a sign of health and beauty. Now that we know too much exposure to the sun causes skin cancer, the preference once again is for a pale countenance.

Worthwhile advice for both genders: do not place great value on physical appearances. Beauty and handsomeness fade with time. Take the time and the trouble to look deeper. Kindness, intelligence, dependability, and a sense of humor are qualities which endure.

Those who pursue and wed a beautiful Cinderella or a handsome Prince Charming may soon awake to find that they are shackled to a haranguing, wicked witch or an abusive, cruel villain, and there is no possible way that they will ever live happily ever after.

Accept people for who they are

"He's a pretty good guy, " said the prospective young bride. "After we're married a while, he'll be just about perfect!" The foolish young lady was setting herself up to be disillusioned. She was planning to change her mate. You can never change anyone's basic qualities. You can only try to adapt to them.

People come into our lives with pre-programmed characters. They are a mixture of their genetic inheritance, their upbringing, and their experiences in life thus far. Some folks you will like immediately, and wish to include in your circle of friends.

Others you will find repulsive. You will not be able to leave their company quickly enough.

Most people you meet initially fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. They are pleasant enough at first. As you become better acquainted, you will mentally move them toward one end of the scale or the other.

THE GOOD

Most people seem nice when you first meet them. As the acquaintance progresses, you'll notice faults and imperfections; after all, none of us are perfect.

Perhaps the faults are minor: he talks too much, she tends to be lazy or he watches too many sport programs on television. The bad features may be counterbalanced with qualities you really admire: he gets along well with your family, she loves to cook and is an excellent chef, he can fix anything mechanical without turning a hair.

The secret to making a friendship or a relationship successful is to accept the whole person, faults and attributes alike. Don't waste time and energy trying to change basic personality traits ; it's a mission doomed to failure. If you want to continue the association, accept the person as they are and try to adjust your behaviour accordingly.

THE BAD

There are others whom you have to accept as they are, as much as you hate to do so, because they may have some very appealing qualities. He may be the handsomest guy you've ever met, but he's married with six kids. Accept it and move on.

She may be great company and popular with your friends, but you know she's a confirmed alcoholic with no desire to quit drinking. There's no future here for you. Accept her as she is, and move on.

He may be good-looking, generous and romantic. However, he's awaiting a court date to be tried for armed robbery for the sixth time. Do not plan on changing him. Do not try to adapt. Use the common sense the good Lord gave you and run, don't walk away from the situation .

Accepting people for who they are mitigates much of the conflict and frustration in life. The prospective young bride should be deliberating on her future in this way: "This is how my intended has evolved to this point in his life. Can I live with him just as he is, faults and all, and be happy?

If she enters the marriage with a realistic outlook, and directs her efforts to adapting to her spouse's personality, and maximizing areas of mutual agreement and compatibility, there is a much better chance they'll be together, happily celebrating their first anniversary at this time next year.