There is no guidebook for single
moms who feel ready to re-enter the world of dating. Whether your absence from
this activity has been short or long-term, you have to make up your own rules
as you go along. Your conscience, your own childhood experiences, your training
and your own common sense will direct you, but you must often take time to
pause, observe, re-evaluate and change your plan of action if it seems
indicated.
I re-entered the dating game
years ago, following a ten-year marriage. I had four young children and I tried
to decide what would be best for all of us. I didn't want what remained of our
family to become a sad little group of losers whom all the "normal"
families pitied. Divorce was a rare occurrence at that time, and I sensed the
children were sensitive about the absence of their dad. My own mood wasn't the
best either.
Something had to change. As a
family we had to stop the self-pity and begin to look outward. There was a
whole world out there full of very nice people. It was time for all of us to
move into it.
I was fortunate to find other
singles active in a group called "Parents Without Partners". The club
sponsored family activities as well as adult ones. The children had fun and
learned they weren't the only ones in this situation and I was able to brush up
on some neglected social skills, such as learning how to do the latest dances,
and how to accept compliments graciously from members of the opposite sex.
Naturally, some of the adults
soon began going on individual dates. This was the time I had to formulate some
rules. As a mom, you can't just worry about yourself anymore, There are
innocent little people depending on you to do what's best for the family. It's
a huge responsibility.
Here are some of the guidelines I
used:
* The children come first. Only
when their wants and needs are taken of, was I free to go out and have fun.
Under the age of 12, they were never left alone. If I could afford to go out, I
could afford a responsible sitter. On the other hand, a happy mother is a better
parent. I tried to socialize with adults at least once a week.
* The job was my second priority.
Children are expensive. You want to exemplify a good work ethic so they don't
think that going on welfare is acceptable just because you're having a rough
time. As the breadwinner, you can't burn the candle at both ends and expect to
keep your job.
* They can meet your friends when
the occasion arises, but don't include them in any couple's activities until
you've known the person long enough to be sure he'll be a good influence. I
went out with one fellow who played a guitar and sang cowboys songs. The kids
loved it when he came over. They knew the words to all the songs and sang along
enthusiastically. He and I parted company when my ears couldn't take any more.
* When you accept an invitation
from a gentleman friend to go on a special excursion with the children, such as
to a zoo or theme park, be sure you pay the bill for your family. You don't
want to be indebted to anyone for expenses incurred by your children. Some
people can expect too many privileges in return. You need to retain your
independence as a free agent, if and until you find the special one who will
help you with the all-important parenting role on a permanent basis.
* Have a long-term goal in mind
so that you can be honest with your dates. If you aren't interested in a
relationship, but want a legal marriage, tell them. There's no sense wasting
everyone's time. The children will benefit from having lots of friends, but a
series of pseudo "uncles" can be detrimental to good character
formation.
The experience of being a single
mom is challenging, and there will be times when you think that trying to date
under those circumstances is an impossible endeavour. But, it will also be a
period of incredible growth and maturing. If you stick to your principles,
everything will work out for the best. You'll keep the love and respect of your
children, and you may even find, as I did, someone who was willing and eager to
accept the package deal and restore your family once again to a complete unit.
I don't believe in love at first
sight. I believe in attraction at first sight, or even lust at first sight, but
it is impossible to love a person the first time you lay eyes on him. To
illustrate my point, consider the following scenario:
You, a young lady, are at a party
given by a business associate. Many of the guests are strangers to you.
Suddenly, you are introduced to the most attractive man you have ever seen. He
is tall, well-built, and reminds you of a combination of your favorite movie
star and the high school teacher on whom you had a mad crush throughout your
entire secondary school career. For once, you are at a loss for words. You are
ready to fall at the feet of this Greek god who has entered your life so
unexpectedly. For you, it is certainly love at first sight! However, he bows
politely, then turns away and moves off in the direction of an
exquisitely-garbed society matron who is literally dripping with diamonds.
There are a few items of interest
about your Prince Charming which you should know. He has just been released
from prison where he has served a term for armed robbery. He has been divorced
three times. He has fathered four children from different alliances to whom he
owes thousands of dollars in overdue support payments. Since he is allergic to
work, he is seeking a female meal ticket who will support him in the manner to
which he would like to become accustomed. He did give you a moment's
consideration, but you clearly were not wealthy enough to suit his purpose. He is
off in search of better pickings.
Over in the corner, a quiet young
man has watched the proceedings. He rises, comes to your side and asks if he
may get you a drink. You glance at him and barely catch yourself in time to
keep from wrinkling up your nose at his appearance. He is short; he looks as if
his outfit was chosen by a blind man, and he has a little pot belly hanging
over the belt buckle on his pants. He has a cowlick and his ears are crooked.
You accept his offer because you are still mourning the loss of the Greek
Adonis, but you decide to ditch him at the first opportunity.
There are a few items of interest
about this young man which you should know. He has never married because he has
been caring for his aged mother. She has recently passed away, leaving him the
family estate. He is well-off financially in his own right, but has a poor
sense of style, so his wardrobe is not impressive. Because he has spent weeks
sitting patiently at her bedside, he is not in the best physical shape. He
loves animals and books, just like you, and if you can get past judging solely
by appearance, you'll find that he would be an extremely compatible companion.
In time, through dating, shared
conversations and experiences with this unassuming individual, you would find
that friendship and trust would grow slowly but surely into a true and lasting
love. You would no longer see his physical imperfections, but his dear face and
form would be the most beautiful and welcome sight in your world.
Love at first sight is an impossibility.
You cannot love what you do not know. You may feel an attraction, as you might
to a lovely flower, but even that loveliness may turn out to be the blossom of
a poisonous plant.
Love at first sight is an
illusion. Only through time and interaction with another person, can you be
sure that you have found true love. Like a pearl of great price, true love
takes time to develop and mature. Once you find the real thing, the prize is
well worth the effort, because real love, true love, will never die. It is
eternal.
It can be a heartbreaking
situation when one half a couple is ready for marriage and the other half
isn't. The reluctant partner may keep stalling, and seem perfectly happy with
the present arrangement, in which each partner enjoys the other's company and there
are no strings attached.
Usually it's the female who, prompted by her nest-building instincts, pushes
for a commitment. She may want to start a family, and feel that there would be
more stability and security for her children and herself within a traditional
marriage.
The male, especially in
contemporary society, may see no necessity to make a permanent commitment. His
friends are engaging in serial relationships, and it seems to work out well.
Who knows? In time, they may find that "perfect soul-mate" and settle
down, but in the meantime, they seem to be having a pretty good time.
The reluctant partner may not want to disclose his reasons for refusing to
commit. In fact, he may not be aware of them himself, but chances are they'll
fall into one or more of the following categories:
(1) He fears the loss of freedom. Females mature earlier than males. The gals
are ready to settle down and raise a family while guys the same age are hoping
to sew a few more wild oats. It's wise to leave and let him get on with it. If
he doesn't do it before marriage, he'll do it after and that can lead to
tragedy for everyone concerned.
(2) He fears taking on the responsibility. He's just not ready for a wife,
kids, a house, a mortgage, and all the sacrifices that kind of life entails. If
the girl has children from a former marriage, he'll be expected to assume extra
responsibilities, which he really doesn't want. She'd better move on quickly, before he breaks her heart.
(3) He's had a bad experience with a former marriage or long-term relationship.
He's not anxious to experience the pain again. Some people eventually overcome
this circumstance, others never will.
(4) He's too self-centered. He wants to travel, to have an expensive car and to do whatever he wishes, whenever it
suits him. His partner is expected to wait on him hand and foot. It is unlikely
anyone will ever try to get this type to commit. Who wants to be a slave for
the rest of her life?
(5) He's not sure this girl is the right one. Most of the time he loves her
and enjoys being in her company, but he's haunted by the possibility that he
may meet his "true soul-mate" later on and it will be too late.
(6) He has other responsibilities. He may be looking after sick, elderly
parents, or have huge alimony and child support payments to make. He may be
putting younger siblings through college or university, and feel that he can't
handle any more expenses at this time.
(7) There is a huge difference in religion or culture. Often members of two
branches of the Christian Church can unite quite easily, but how about two more
disparate groups, such as a Jew and a Muslim, or an atheist and an Evangelical
Christian? It could be a recipe for trouble and he is smart enough to see it.
(8) He has a job which doesn't
lend itself to a stable married life. He may be a undercover agent, a traveling
salesman, or a long-distance driver. If this is holding him back, the girl must
convince him she can cope with the difficulties.
(9) He may have a real or perceived
disability, which he doesn't want to disclose to a spouse. He could be
illiterate, or sterile, or carry the inherited gene for a catastrophic illness.
He may have a close relative with a severe physical or mental illness, for whom
he'll be fully responsible at some future time. There may be some personal or
family secret which he feels is too horrific to share.
(10) Marriage would involve too great a change in lifestyle. If the girl lives
in the United States or Canada, and he comes from Afghanistan and his family
expects him to go back when he finishes school, he may feel the differences in
lifestyle would be too great. If she is an animal lover and in his culture they
eat dogs, a marriage likely wouldn't work out. If the girl's family is wealthy,
and his family has lived on welfare for generations, there are bound to be
problems.
Some of these reasons for refusing to commit are quite legitimate, and the
reluctant partner is wise not to enter a marriage or even a long-term
relationship until they can be worked out, if they ever can.
However, it is unfair to keep stalling. By the time a couple has been dating
six months, they should honestly and openly have discussed their long-term
goals. If the objectives don't match, and no compromise can be found, the
relationship should be ended. It may be painful, but it would be worse later.
Don't waste any more time; move on; live and learn; the future awaits.
" Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and often ends with a
teardrop. " Anonymous
How could I have been so
stupid?" You wring your hands and bemoan the loss of the person you once
believed to be your true soul-mate. Whether the break-up was initiated by you
or by the other party, the emptiness feels like an unrelenting toothache in the
general area of your heart. How can you ease the ache, and start the healing
process?
It is important to recognize that
this is a time to be good to yourself. You have experienced the death of a
relationship, one that was important to you. You need time to grieve. Cry if
you feel like it. Invite good friends over, one at a time, and rehash the whole
affair over and over again, until even you are getting tired of talking about
it. Eventually, you'll realize that your grief is spent, and it's time to move
on.
You are on your own again. It's
time to focus on you, to be your own best friend. Start with your immediate
environment. Do you really like your living quarters? Do the colours and
furnishings reflect only your taste and personality? You could paint, buy a few
pieces of furniture, or choose different pictures for the walls- items that
say, "This is me and this is what I like." Try to create surroundings
that are totally you, where you can be relaxed and comfortable.
In your quest to rediscover
yourself as an unattached single, make a list of things you like to do. Without
having to consider the likes and dislikes of anyone else, what activities have
you enjoyed by yourself in the past? Prioritize the items on your list from
most enjoyable to least. Starting at the top, resolve to engage in at least several
of your previously-favourite activities each week.
What solitary hobbies did have
before you became one-half of a couple? Did you knit, do woodworking, collect
coins or crochet? Buy fresh supplies of whatever you need and rededicate your
efforts to making an item or collection that will showcase your talent.
You are now the sole possessor of
the remote control for the TV. Make up your own personal TV Guide. You'll have
to watch the latest offerings until you decide which are enjoyable enough to
put on your list.
Make up a weekly menu and prepare
a shopping list. This can be fun, because you'll buy only food you like. It's
OK to treat yourself for a while, to celebrate you new-found freedom and
independence. If you'd like to have ice cream and strawberries for breakfast,
go ahead.
Would you like to have a pet?
Depending on your circumstances, a kitten or a puppy would be great company.
Even a small aquarium mitigates the feeling of coming home to an empty
apartment. A budgie or parakeet can be trained to greet you by name.
When you are comfortably settled
into your routine as an unattached single, look around for some ways in which
you can be of help to others less fortunate. If friends and family don't need
your attention at the moment, consider volunteering at a hospital or seniors'
complex or at your church. You'll soon find that your schedule is so crowded,
that you may have to cut back on some of the personal pastimes you'd launched
just for your own pleasure.
Inevitably, sooner or later,
you'll meet another potential partner with whom you might want to share your
life. Remember the lessons learned from the last relationship. Don't give up
your independence and keep the self-confident person you have become, ready to
emerge again in the blink of an eye.
Nothing is certain in this life
but change. The only constant companion you can truly count on, is yourself.
So, you feel you've reached a
point in your life, whether for the first time, or the fifth, when you're ready
to settle down, and enter a relationship which has the potential to lead to a
lifetime commitment. Being busy with a full-time job, friends and family, you
don't want to waste time and energy on potential partners who might be fine for
some other girl, but who would never be right for you.
Every girl will have different
qualifications in mind for her Prince Charming. It is helpful to write your
requirements down before you start to look in earnest. That way, you won't be
waylaid by an enchanting smile or the new Ferrari in his driveway. These, while
very attractive, might mask a lack of other qualities which you know he must
possess in order to become your "One and Only". It's a good idea to
check off items on your list as you find evidence that he fulfills that
particular criteria.
Here, then, is my particular
list. Yours may be quite different and that's fine. There's enough guys out
there for all of us to find a custom fit.
(1.) He should be
ordinary-looking. It he's very handsome, he'll probably be conceited. Besides,
I want to be the best-looking one of the couple. If he's very ugly, can he be
fixed up? Would the services of a competent dentist or perhaps a plastic
surgeon help?
(2,) He must be clean and neat. I
don't care if his wardrobe is inexpensive but I'd like his hair to be cut and his
shoes tied. He should have enough fashion sense to avoid stripes and plaid in
the same outfit.
(3.) He must have a steady job,
and not in a profession I find distasteful. I'm sorry but I can't see myself
crazy about a mortician or someone who works in a fish market, for instance. He
should make a decent living wage, but I intend to keep working to supplement
the family income.
(4.) He should live a healthy
lifestyle. Ask who his family doctor is. If he doesn't have one, that's a red
flag. When was his last annual check-up? More than two years ago? That's
another danger signal. Maybe he just forgets to make appointments. Ask him why
he avoids doctors. His answer should be revealing.
(5.) He must love children. Ask
him to tell you about his nieces and nephews or the neighbor's children. You'll
be able to tell by the tone of his remarks whether he's fond of them or finds
them to be little pains in the neck. If you are hoping to have a family with
him, this issue needs to be resolved before you progress any further in the
relationship.
(6.) Watch how he treats and
speaks about his mother. It's an old truism that he'll treat and refer to wife
in the same way, once that early glow of romantic passion has worn off.
(7.) I definitely do not want a
hyperactive partner. Can he relax in the evening and contentedly watch a movie
or a TV program or does he always have to be on the move? Heaven deliver me
from another "Perpetual-motion Machine". They are exhausting!
(8.) Can he find a listing in the phone book in under half an
hour? I'm not an intellectual snob, but it would be hard for me to have respect
for someone who can't read and write at least on a high school level. Having
respect for your mate is an absolute must.
(9.) Does he share at least some
of the activities I enjoy? If he is the ultimate sports enthusiast, and I think
sports are a complete waste of time and manpower, we're going to have too many
problems for peaceful coexistence.
(10.) Religion can be a big
stumbling block, not so much between different branches of Christianity, but
between a Christian and an adherent of a non-Christian faith. For example, if
I'm a Fundamentalist Christian, and he's a devout Muslim, don't even bother
meeting for that first coffee date.
There are other differences which
will need to be addressed, but they are less important, and open to negotiation:
smoking and drinking habits, desired family size, with whose family to spend
Christmas, whether or not to have pets, and other minutiae of day-to-day
living.
Every girl's list will be
different, and that's fine. Making up your list, keeping your requirements in
mind, and checking off items as Prince Charming fulfills your qualifications is
the surest way to make sure that the two of you have an excellent chance of
living happily ever after.
No two people will agree on
everything, all the time. Disagreements are almost unavoidable when people
interact with each other frequently or on a daily basis. Arguments can be
hurtful episodes which weaken the entire relationship, or they can be a means for
clearing the air and resolving problems.
Here are some tips to help make
those unavoidable disagreements a means of resolving contentious issues and strengthening
the bond between two persons:
1. Don't raise your voice. You
cannot shout the other person into submission. You will only succeed in
sounding like a bully.
2. Don't use vulgar language. You
may offend the other person, who will then focus on your inappropriate language
rather than on the disputed issue.
3. Don't bring up past sins and
offenses. Stick to the present problem.
4. Don't start an argument when
the other person is tired, hungry, or stressed about another problem. When his
or her parent is gravely ill, it is not the time to criticize habitual untidiness.
5. Don't start when company's due
in fifteen minutes. Choose a time you're likely to be alone together for a
reasonable amount of time.
6. Don't quote gossip or hearsay.
Stick to personal observations and interactions, and state clearly how they
made you feel. Relate what you think should have happened and why.
7. Don't walk out. If you need a
break, go and make a coffee for you both, go to the washroom, or just lie on
your bed and do deep breathing for a few minutes.
8. Don't monopolize the
conversation. Try to listen, really listen, at least as much as you speak.
9. Don't keep a closed mind. Try
to be fair. Remember there are two sides to every story.
10. Don't be afraid to
compromise. If a solution can be found with which you both can live, that may
be a satisfactory resolution for the present.
11.Don't lose your temper and
never allow the argument to become physical. That's a one-way ticket to a jail
cell.
12. Don't just leave the matter
hanging. If no agreement can be arrived at within a reasonable time, suggest
that the problem needs more deliberation. Set a definite time and place in few
days, for a further discussion.
13.Don't sulk, be miserable or be
hard to live with in the meantime.
14. If after one more session,
you still have failed to settle the argument, it's time to get help. Seek out a
trusted third party, a clergyman or a counselor to mediate the disagreement.
15. Don't share your side of the
story with friends and family members. After the problem is solved and you have
both moved on, it may return to haunt you by way of someone else's unguarded
comment.
Arguments can be either helpful
or destructive to a relationship. Following the above ground rules will help
assure an outcome which will be advantageous to each party.
Moving in with a boyfriend,
before you have the security of a wedding ring on your finger, is, in my
opinion, just about the dumbest thing a women can do. She gives up so much and
receives so little in return. Here are some points to ponder, before you leap
from the frying pan, (the heat of infatuation which you believe to be true,
everlasting love), into the fiery furnace of shared living accommodations.
What if you're wrong? Women are
notorious for being overly emotional and this handsome creature which you
believe to your one-and-only soul mate today, could turn out to be Dr.
Frankenstein tomorrow. Admit it: it's easy to make a mistake during the glow of
an early romance. Moving in is a lot easier than moving out.
What if Mr. Right comes along
while you're shacked up with Dr. Frankenstein? When Mr. Right finds out your
living arrangements, he'll probably keep right on going.
You'll have many of the
responsibilities of marriage, but few of the advantages. You'll end up doing
most of the cooking, cleaning, and washing, despite what he promises ahead of
time. Guys usually aren't that into housekeeping. He may not even notice the
chores that need attending to.
And what will you be getting in
return for sharing accommodations (and everything else) with Mr. Wonderful?
You'll have sex whenever you want it, of course, even sometimes when you'd
rather not. It's difficult to decline when he can follow you around like a
neglected puppy dog.
You'll only get to watch half of
the shows you like on T.V. You can only have your girlfriends over when he
agrees, or on evenings when he's out. There'll be fewer tell-all,
heart-to-heart phone conferences with these girlfriends, because other ears
will be listening in.
You will be obliged to ask him
before making plans, as he should consult you. What you are giving up is your
personal freedom, and that, whether you realize it or not, is a significant sacrifice.
Within the framework of marriage, when you are working on building a future
together, that sacrifice is worthwhile. In a temporary, only
partially-committed situation, it can be irritating, even infuriating to both
of you.
When you do have a disagreement,
you won't be able to get away by yourself to get over it. Where can you go? You
chose to live with him.
He will not be able to go home,
get all spiffied up and return to your door with flowers in
his hand and an apology on his lips. Now, he has you where he wants you, right
under his thumb. If you make things difficult or uncomfortable for him, all he
has to do is tell you to leave. And you'll have no recourse, legal or
otherwise, to which to appeal.
Think carefully, my dear, before
you decide to move in with a boyfriend. You have everything to lose and nothing
to gain. All the advantages are his. As the old adage asks: Why should he buy
the cow, when he can get the milk for free? Any woman who is foolish to take on
the commitments and responsibilities of marriage without the protection and
security of actually having gone through the legal ceremony, deserves what she
gets. And, sometimes the results can be very unpleasant.
It seems as if young people are
starting to date earlier and earlier these days. There are school dances for
senior elementary students in some areas, and from attending co-ed dances, it
is only a small step to wanting to spend time together in other places: at the
movies, on the beach, or at a classmate's birthday party. Hence, some teenagers
begin dating about the same time as they start high school.
When teens date, living at home
is not a problem. Their peer group are at the same stage of life and also
living at home. In fact, it is unusual if one of the group is not living at
home or at least with a older family member, even if away from the parental
residence.
For the under-eighteen crowd,
dating problems usually center around what time the child must be home, how
many nights a week he is allowed to date, and whether or not he is allowed to
use the family car. Because teens are always seeking more independence, there
will be disagreements from time to time, but in the end, the adult's word is
law. Wise parents will become skilled in the art of negotiation, if they hope
to traverse this troublesome period and retain a good relationship with their
child.
The college or university years
are seldom problematic. Most young people are living away from home, either in
dormitories or in other residences close to their schools. They may be involved
many escapades which their parents will never hear about, and that's very much
to everyone's benefit.
Difficulties begin when a young
adult moves back home. He or she rightfully expects to be treated as an adult,
but to many moms and dads, their child will always be just that: their child.
Superior negotiating skills will be necessary if the arrangement is to work
out. The following guidelines may be helpful:
* The young adult should have no
restrictions on the hours he chooses to come and go, and he should have his own
key. It is best if he can have a separate, private entrance, but if this is
impossible he should leave and enter the house as quietly as possible when
other family members are asleep.
* He is entitled to privacy.
Parents must agree not to quiz him about his dates, or where he has been. When
and if he's ready to introduce a special friend to the family, he will do so.
* His friends may to visit in the
evening, but he should check with his parents first, in case they are having
company of their own.
*If the parents are uncomfortable
with co-ed "sleepovers", he must respect their wishes. It is, after
all, their house.
* Many people on the dating scene
are reluctant to get serious with anyone still living at home. For this reason,
when he meets that special someone, he should assure her that the arrangement
is only temporary. If not working, he should actively seek employment, and
begin saving for a place of his own.
In nature, the young grow up,
leave the nest, and become self-sufficient. For humans too, this is the normal
sequence of events. However, sometimes, due to unforeseen circumstances, an
adult child will return home for a period of time to "get on their
feet". They may be experiencing difficulty because of a divorce, a job
loss, an illness or other misfortune. That's fine; in fact, that's what
families are for, to help out in times of trouble.
However, for the benefit of
everyone involved, the return to the nest should be as brief as possible.
Parental guidance is essential when a young teenager is beginning to date, but
it can be extremely detrimental when the adult child is ready to seek and find
a permanent partner.
You decide it's time to break off
the relationship with your current partner. There may have been no specific
incident to trigger the decision, just a growing indifference to your
significant other and the whole situation. You want out; you want to be free.
Unfortunately, you know your
partner has no such doubts and is likely to react badly to your decision. You
do not wish to hurt him or her. They have done nothing to deserve unkind
treatment. Still, being in a one-sided relationship is unfair to both of you.
It's best to call a halt and move on, and the sooner, the better.
You do not enjoy drama. You have
no wish to see the other in tears, begging for another chance to win your love.
You know that will never happen. The best and kindest way to bid farewell may
be by letter. You need to state your case kindly but firmly, leaving few
avenues for response.
Here is a suggested outline for
composing such a missive. It may be amended as needed to suit your particular
case.
Paragraph 1: take the blame for
choosing such a cowardly way of ending the relationship. Admit to lacking
courage, but state that you are very sure of your feelings and believe that
there is no benefit to either of you in continuing to see each other
exclusively. You are not ready to go steady ( or for an engagement, or to
settle down, or to marry, or whatever the next logical step in your relationship
might have been). State that you are sorry for the grief this letter will
cause, but that your decision is final.
Paragraph 2: try to remove as
much pain and self-blame as you can from the other party. Thank them for the
kindness, the good times, and the effort they have invested in the
relationship. Mention some of their better qualities: their self-assurance,
their cooking ability, their sense of humor, their green thumb, or whichever
talents you have noted or from which you have benefited . Express confidence
that there will be some lucky individual in the future who will be able to give
them the affection, appreciation and whole-hearted loyalty they deserve.
Paragraph 3: tie up any loose
ends. You returned the library books and paid the overdue fine. You won't be
able to lend your canoe to his brother, but give the name of a reliable rental
agency in town. You have changed to another dentist, so it will not be
necessary to visit her uncle every six months. Try to remove every possible
link between the two of you, so there will be few occasionswhen you need ever
just happen to "run into" each other in the future.
Paragraph 4: assure your former
partner that you will not be talking to mutual friends behind their back. The
story you intend to tell is that you parted by mutual agreement and that you
are still friends. You simply decided you weren't right for each other as
lifetime partners and have both decided to move on; no accusations, no regrets.
It's no one else's business. What happened between you will remain private, as
far as you are concerned.
Closing: Wish them good luck, all
the best for the future and hope that every dream comes true. Sign the letter.
Then, bundle up every single
thing you have which belongs to the other person and deliver it, by night if
necessary, to their front door step. Attach the letter to the top, in plain
sight.
It would be ideal if you could
leave town for a week or two. If not, make yourself completely unavailable.
Don't answer the phone, don't text, and stay away from your usual haunts. Your
ex needs time to recover from the shock, to grieve, and to reconnect with old
friends. It's the least you can do.
Learn a lesson from this
experience and resolve that next time, you will not let a relationship get so
involved before you decide to call it quits. Escaping from it again is just too
hard on everybody!
The best way to find your perfect
match is to meet love halfway." Anonymous
Whether for the first time or the twenty-first, you find yourself alone,
footloose and fancy-free. You begin to feel a longing for a significant other,
a friend and confidant, perhaps even a soul mate to share your life and love
for the foreseeable future and perhaps beyond. Once a liaison starts, you can
never tell how it will progress or where it will end.
You very much wish to have a
date, but you're realistic enough to realize you won't find one by wishing.
Here are some practical suggestions to help you achieve your goal.
* Spread the word. Tell family, friends and colleagues at work that you're
ready to start dating. Ask them to keep an eye out for a suitable candidate.
Give a general idea of the type of person you're looking for: age , interests,
religion and any other qualifications you consider important.
* Check your personal hygiene and appearance. Get a haircut, shower frequently,
dress neatly, use cologne sparingly so that you always smell good, but not
overwhelmingly so.
* Listen to the news, read the papers, and watch the most popular TV shows and
movies so you will have interesting conversational tidbits at hand for
discussion.
* Go to places where the person you'd like to meet is likely to be: the
library, sporting events, the theatre, or church services. An early-morning
visit to the neighborhood coffee shop will often reveal many business people
taking short caffeine breaks on their way to work.
* You might try an Internet dating site, but be very cautious. There is no
guarantee that any person you contact is telling the truth, or even that
they're the same sex or age that they're pretending to be.
* Find a single friend of the same sex and go places together: singles' dances,
groups for single parents (if you have children), community events, anywhere
where people gather to relax and have fun. Your one-and-only is out there
somewhere, but you have to be visible and alert to make contact.
* Get a pet and take it for walks
in your neighborhood and nearby parks. A cute puppy or kitten in a harness is a
real magnet for animal lovers, if that's what you'd like.
* If you're a single parent, visiting favorite children's parks, MacDonald's,
fireworks displays, parades and other places popular with the younger set, will
result in meeting other single parents as the kids start to interact. Children
have fewer inhibitions than their elders.
* When you spot someone who looks interesting, approach with a smile and an
appropriate, non-threatening comment. It doesn't matter if you're male or
female; this is the twenty-first century, and women's lib is the order of the
day.
* Be confident, friendly, and comfortable in your skin. Don't rush into
anything, converse for a while, using proper grammar, with no crudeness or
swearing. If both of you seem to enjoy the interlude, ask if s/he would like to
talk again, perhaps later this week or next, at the same place.
* At the next meeting, you might suggest
going for coffee sometime to get to know each other better. If the idea is met
with acceptance, suggest a specific time and place.
* After the coffee date, if all goes well, phone numbers may be exchanged and
the relationship, if it is meant to be, will proceed from there.
It seldom happens that you find your one-and-only on the first try. However,
with every experience you learn and grow. You find out more about yourself, specifically
what qualities in another really appeal to you.
You learn how to relate to others in a dating situation, how and what to share
and when, and what qualities and characteristics in another person you cannot
tolerate. All this is is valuable information as you continue to seek for Miss
or Mr. Right.
So get on with the quest and enjoy it. While dating is an important and a
serious activity as you search for your lifetime partner, you'll probably
discover that it can also be a heck of a lot fun!
Kiss: love professed through
lips." Scarlett Bene
Braces made today much different
than those worn even a few years ago; they are kissing-friendly. They come in a
variety of fashionable colors and are even considered sexy by some young men. To
anyone who can consider kissing a girl with a tongue ring, braces should be no
obstacle whatsoever.
It is best not to attempt kissing
for about a month after the braces have been put in place. There may be some
soreness and bruising from the procedure, and any pressure around the mouth
might hurt. Kissing should be fun and not painful.
To ensure the experience is
pleasant for your date, always practice good oral hygiene.
If you are at or near the
beginning a relationship and feel that the time has come for that all-important
first kiss, but aren't sure of how to proceed if your date has braces, simply
follow these easy guidelines:
(a) Choose a romantic spot: a
secluded garden path with the stars overhead, a blanket on the beach after a
picnic lunch, or on a park bench after a stroll on a summer evening. Keep the
mood and the conversation light and relaxed.
(b) When you are both seated and
comfortable, and have talked for a while, slowly move in closer and put your
hand on her face. If she likes you, she will enjoy the close, warm feeling, and
it will signal her that something more serious will probably follow.
(c) Kiss her cheek gently and
move your lips slowly toward her mouth. Kiss her gently on the lips.
(d) Don't press hard. It could
push her lips against the metal braces. She will reciprocate by either kissing
you harder, remaining relatively still or pulling away. If she responds
vigorously, enjoy it but don't let the action become rough. She does have a
mouth full of metal and either of you might get cut if you're not careful.
If she remains still, ask in a
concerned voice if she finds kissing with braces uncomfortable. Listen to her
answer and respond accordingly.
If she pulls away, smile and
resume the conversation where it was left off. Leave it to her to make the next
move, if she cares to do so.
(e) If both parties are enjoying
themselves and the level of kissing intensifies, you might want to try a French
kiss, but be careful to keep your tongue away from the braces. Move your head
slowly. Avoid quick, jerky movements, especially if you are both wearing
braces.
(d) You'll soon discover that
long, slow, intimate kisses are still possible, braces notwithstanding.
If you are having any trouble at
all with your lips or tongue getting cut on your date's braces, suggest she ask
her orthodontist to smooth out the rough spots, during the next visit. She
should also have been given a product called dental wax which can be applied to
the braces. It will minimize the risk of either of you being cut until her next
dental visit.
Many girls these days are proud
of their braces and consider them a kind of jewellery, similar to a nose or
tongue ring. Many cool guys agree and are attracted to young ladies who are
sporting models of the latest fashion trend.
As for kissing, it's been around
for thousands of years. It will take a lot more than a few pieces of metal to
discourage those caught in the overwhelming excitement of young love.
If you live in a cold climate,
you need to develop alternate dating strategies for the winter season. Those
long, lazy days at the beach will no longer be appealing, for a few months at
least.
Outdoor activities are still
possible, of course, but their duration should be limited. Only penguins, polar
bears and other Arctic or Antarctic denizens are at home in zero and sub-zero
temperatures for extended periods.
If you are dating someone who
enjoys outdoor activities such as skating, skiing or tobogganing, limit the
activity to several hours at the most, then plan some relaxing indoor time.
These quiet interludes are great opportunities to get to know each other
better, to share past experiences and to formulate lifetime goals.
Here are some other ideas to make
winter dates at least as enjoyable as those summer fun-in-the sun episodes:
* If you are fortunate enough to
have access to an indoor fireplace, throw some sofa pillows on the floor in
front, and add a few big, soft, floppy pillows. Settle down with your date to
pop popcorn, or roast marshmallows. This is a great setting for sharing
pleasant memories and hopes and dreams for the future.
* Most homes have a VCR these
days. Find out the type of movie your date enjoys,rent one or two and enjoy a
movie evening at home. Film rentals and a few bags of munchies are not
expensive and one of you will be able to stay home, out of the cold.
* Host a game night with your
date and invite another couple. There are many enjoyable board games for adults
such as Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly, Clue, Scrabble or perhaps Cribbage or a card
game would be more appealing. A bonus: you'll discover whether your date is a
good sport or a poor loser. Order a pizza at the end of the evening and a good
time will be had by all.
* If you and your date have
reached the serious stage, winter evenings are excellent times to introduce
extended family members. Call ahead and tell your relative you would like to
bring someone over to meet them. Tell them not to fuss, you will bring
refreshments. Pick up a package of cookies at the grocery store and get large
take-out coffees or teas for everyone. Older relatives will especially
appreciate these visits. They are often shut-in and lacking company for days
during spells of severe weather.
* There are indoor activities you
both might want to try: bowling, curling, yoga, ballroom dancing, interest
courses at the local college, or attendance at a movie or play put on by a
local theater group.
* If you are both altruistically
inclined, you might wish to volunteer together for a monthly shift at an
"Out of the Cold" program or a soup kitchen. There are many
charitable organizations who would be extremely grateful for extra help during
the severe winter months.
* Undertake a project to see how
well you work together as a team. For instance: plan a dinner for friends or one
or both sets of parents. Choose a menu, go shopping, share cooking duties, and
ideas for after-dinner entertainment. Don't forget to have a camera ready.
If you use a little imagination
and creativity, dating in winter can be just as enjoyable as those
fun-in-the-sun summer activities and maybe even more so. In January, it's
unlikely you will need to vie for attention with the bathing beauties or macho
types in Speedos cavorting on the beach. Every season has its own particular
advantages, even winter.
When girls first start to date,
they sometimes need guidelines about inappropriate comments to make to young
men. There are a number of apparently innocent remarks a girl might make which
will send her potential Romeo heading for the hills like a frightened antelope.
For the benefit of those young
ladies embarking on the dating scene, here are some comments which are much
better left unsaid.
1. You don't like his parents
Your date belongs to a family,
just as you do. His relatives, especially his parents, are part of his
identity. They raised him; they made him who he is today. No family is perfect,
but if you hope to continue to date him, you will keep any criticisms or
negative feelings about his nearest and dearest ones to yourself.
2. You are smarter, or more talented
or earn more than he does
Men like to feel superior. They
want girls who look up to them, whom they can care for and spoil and protect. A
smart young lady will allow her date to harbor this illusion, and not advertise
her intelligence, talent or earning capacity, especially if her own abilities
exceed those of her companion.
3. Your former boyfriend was
better than he is, in any way at all
Your date wants to feel that he
is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Encourage this impression. It
will make him feel valued and appreciated.
4. You're planning the wedding,
or the number of children you two will have
Unless he's fallen head over
heels in love with you, revealing these thoughts will scare the living
daylights out of him. Wise girls let the man be first to mention the
possibility of any future commitments.
5. Personal details about your
routine bodily functions.
Your date wants to place you on a
pedestal, always beautiful, wholesome, and healthy. It will not help your cause
to tell him about your constipation problem or your painful menstrual cramps.
6. You think one of his friends
is very attractive
As mentioned in #3, your date
wants to believe that he is the best dating partner you've ever had. It is
counterproductive to comment on the admirable qualities of his friends. He will
think you're comparing and that you may prefer the friend's company to his.
7. You've cheated in other
relationships
To reveal this failing is really
dumb! No one wants to become involved with a cheater.
8. He is too fat, bald, or his
feet are too big
Review #3. Criticizing him, especially for features of his appearance which he
can't help, is very unwise. What if the situation were reversed? How would you
feel if he made unflattering remarks about you?
9. You want him to see less of
his friends and spend more time with you
Guys don't like clingy, needy
girls. He's probably thinking, "If she's like this now, what will she be
like when we're married?" Instead, make him wonder what you're doing when
he's not around.
10. Unflattering facts about
members of your family or your close friends.
Casual dates do not need to know
that Uncle Willy is in jail for bank robbery, or that your best friend is a
kleptomaniac. These facts should be revealed before marriage certainly, but
don't worry, he probably has a few skeletons in his closet.
Most girls, as they become more
mature and experienced, will learn these principles of smart dating
communication for themselves. However, if you, as a thoughtful friend or
relative, were to enlighten them ahead of time, you might save these young
ladies a number of unnecessary broken hearts.
Unfortunately, you can't will
yourself to forget anyone, no matter how much you'd like to. Human beings
aren't made that way. Every significant relationship in which we've
participated throughout life is indelibly etched in our memory.
Some people you never want to
forget: loving parents, family members, friends and those who have helped or
taught us valuable lessons along the way. And then, there are the others: those
who have caused hurt, feelings of inferiority or hopelessness, those whose
influence in our lives has been negative, those whom we wish we'd never met.
In time, they may physically
depart, but they'll often pop up, unbidden, into our mind. You wish they were
completely, permanently, absolutely gone from your thoughts as well as from
your environment. That won't happen but there is a method by which you can
relegate them to the very back row of vaults in your memory bank.
On a day when you know you'll be
undisturbed for several hours, sit down and write them a letter. Write about
every nasty thing they ever did to you and tell how it made you feel. Take your
time. As you write, relive the displeasure, the hurt, the disappointments, the
frustrations this individual has caused you. Pour out your heart. Don't hold
anything back. Then, picture the culprit sitting across from you and read your
letter aloud. Imagine his reaction. Will he be decent enough to admit his
faults and apologize, or will he bluff his way through, try to blame you,
others, or circumstances for his sins, offenses and failures?
Then remember that he's gone:
you'll never see him again. If you hang on to these negative thoughts and
emotions, you're only hurting yourself; he'll never even know. Only a simpleton
would continue on a course that would only harm himself. Hasn't this person
caused you enough grief?
End your final communication on a
note of forgiveness. Send best wishes for the rest of his life and say
farewell. Then take the letter and destroy it ... burn it, throw it in a river,
put it out in the trash on Garbage Day, cut it into confetti and flush it, do
whatever it takes to get it completely and finally out of your life. As it
disappears, send your bad feelings for the intended recipient along with it.
This remedy may not work
completely right away. Whenever an unwelcome thought pops up, say "You're
history! Be gone!" And mean it. The recurrences will become less and less.
Remember, nature abhors a vacuum.
Whatever place this person held in your life, try to replace him with a better
choice. If he was a spouse or lover, go shopping for a replacement. If he was a
boss or co-worker, consider switching departments or jobs. If he was a false
friend, try to meet new contacts. The world is full of nice people. It is
unnecessary and senseless to waste time and emotional energy on the other kind.
You will never completely erase
anyone from your memory, but you can deny them frequent access to your
consciousness. In a decade or two, you may choose to rethink the whole matter
and see what lessons were to be extracted from the experience. Time does heal
all wounds. But for now, "Forgive and forget", should be your motto
and the goal toward which you strive.
Before marriage, most people will
go on many first dates. Hardly anyone finds their "soul mate" on the
first try. With a little practice, alert singles can learn to recognize and
perhaps avoid common trouble spots, which threaten the success of that all-important
first evening together.
Here are the danger signals to
watch for:
* One party is late
No one likes to be kept waiting.
Whether the man arrives at the girl's door half an hour late, or she leaves her
date sitting in the living-room while she finishes her preparations, the
evening will be off to a bad start. Being late, without a good reason, is a
sign of disrespect and carelessness, neither of which bode well for a future
successful relationship.
* One party is dressed
inappropriately
Plans for the evening and
appropriate dress should be discussed ahead of time. You will spare yourself
and your date the embarrassment of turning up for a formal dinner in blue jeans
or for a barbecue in evening attire. In addition, unless you are sure of your
date's preferences, cover the tattoos and stash the face metal. They can
actually make some people nauseous.
* You can't agree on where to go
Usually, the one who issues the
invitation outlines the plans for the evening. When the invitation is accepted,
it is understood that the stated destination is acceptable. Don't try to change
your date's mind at the last minute, even if you'd rather go somewhere else. Be
gracious and grateful; if you're with the right person, any excursion will be
enjoyable.
* Your date's language is vulgar
or disrespectful
Everyone wants to be treated with
respect, so dating partners should act accordingly. Each party on a first date
will be considering whether this person would fit in comfortably with his or
her family and friends. If the language is off-color, the attitude
discourteous, and the manners appalling, that first date will probably be the
last.
* One party monopolizes the conversation
The purpose of a first date is to
get to know each other. Are your interests, attitudes and personalities
compatible? When one person does all the talking, an exchange of thoughts and
ideas never happens. It is quite acceptable for the more outgoing person to
talk more during the first part of the evening, as he or she tries to put the
other at ease. However, by the latter part of the date, both parties should be
doing an equal amount of conversing.
* One party texts or uses a cell
phone frequently during the evening
The thoughtful date will turn off the cell phone during the evening. To call or
text during a date, except in an emergency, shows poor manners and lack of
interest in the current company. No one enjoys being second choice to an
unknown person on the other end of a call or text message. If your date enjoy
the caller's company so much, why isn't he/she spending the evening with them?
* Your date ends early
When dating partners are really
enjoying each other's company, they hope the evening will never end. If either
one suggests terminating the date early, it's an indication of trouble. Whether
she complains of a headache, or he remembers that he promised his mom to help
move furniture, you can be reasonably sure that the evening was not a roaring
success.
And, that's O.K. The purpose of a
first date is to see if two people are compatible, and if that certain chemical
spark, which may lead to love, will be ignited when they spend time in each
other's company.
At the end of the evening, you
have your answer. This time, the date didn't work out, but there are plenty
more fish in the sea. It's time for both of you to move on.
Have you ever had the feeling
that someone was lying to you? Most of us don't have a lie detector at our
disposal, but there are a few simple ways that an informed and observant person
can make an accurate guess as to whether or not the person to whom we are
speaking is lying.
Often, instinct will alert you to
the fact that you are not being told the truth. However, you would would feel
more confident taking some action if you had confirming signs to verify your
intuition.
It's helpful to know the other's
normal speech patterns. That way the variations will be apparent, but
nevertheless, there are telltale signals.
Here's what to watch for:
* A liar may try to avoid making
eye contact. Alternately, he may stare at you fiercely for much longer than
usual, trying to compel you to believe his story.
* He may try to turn his head or
body away from you.
* He may "freeze" and
use little or no body movement. Alternately, he may become overly dramatic,
yelling, stamping his foot and waving his arms. Again he is trying to force you
to believe his lie.
* He may unconsciously try to
place something between you, like a coffee cup, a pillow, or a newspaper.
* He may look upwards and to the
right. This stimulates the part of the brain dealing with imagination. He's
thinking up an untruth.
* A liar will use your own words
to answer a question. "Did you go to the bar after work?" Answer:
"No, I did not go to the bar after work!"
* A statement using a contraction
is more apt to be true. " No, I didn't go."
* Watch for nervous gestures:
scratching, rapid blinking, hair-twisting, fidgeting or a rise in voice tone.
These are signs of stress. Most people are uncomfortable when they deliberately
lie.
* A normal smile involves all the
facial muscles. A liar's forced smile will involve only his mouth.
* A liar is uncomfortable with
pauses in the conversation. He may go on at great length, adding unnecessary
details in an effort to convince you to swallow his story.
* If you suspect someone has
lied, change the subject suddenly. A liar will be relieved to drop the topic
and eagerly talk about something new. Someone who has been telling the truth
will want to go back and finish the previous discussion.
* Another effective strategy is
to make the liar very uncomfortable. If someone tells you he spent the night
with a friend, mention that you are planning to visit the friend's sister the
next day to return a DVD. Watch the reaction.
Usually, you can trust your
intuition. Unless you are dealing with a psychopath or an habitual liar, your
instinct plus a combination of several of these indicators means that you are
being told a falsehood. Now comes the really difficult part: what are you going
to do about it?
Jealousy is a painful and
destructive emotion. It is torturous for the one who suffers from it and it
creates stress and frustration for the person who is its target. Moreover, it
often destroys relationships which could have been rewarding and permanent for
both people involved.
Jealousy usually rears its ugly
head after a person has been betrayed in a marriage or a relationship which was
very important to them. The husband or wife of an unfaithful spouse often
becomes subject to fits of unreasonable jealousy whether or not the marriage
remains intact.
"If it happened once, it can
happen again," becomes the anxious refrain played over and over within the
bruised psyche of the injured party. Even when that marriage or relationship is
terminated and the betrayed partner is in a new relationship, he or she can be
haunted by the shock and pain caused by the former infidelity.
Jealousy is a result of a poor
self-image. Because of a former betrayal, or perhaps because of an unhappy
childhood, with the absence of enough positive affirmation during the formative
years, the individual comes to believe that he or she is not attractive enough,
or smart enough, or virtuous enough to deserve or keep the love of anyone
worthwhile.
A person in the clutches of
jealousy continually expects that the partner will be unfaithful and they will
search for signs of infidelity. While in this state of mind, the jealous person
is miserable. They cannot trust, or feel relaxed and secure. It is as if they
are forever hovering on the brink of a dark and bottomless chasm, expecting at
any moment to be pushed over the edge.
It is not their fault. It will do
good to advise them, "Snap out of it!". They can't. They need
professional help, along with a patient, understanding partner to help them
overcome the green-eyed monster.
What about the object of
unreasonable jealousy? It is a very uncomfortable position in which to find
oneself. No matter how attentive or accommodating one may be, they are never
trusted or given credit for unfaltering devotion. They are constantly viewed
with distrust and suspicion. They may even be followed, spied upon and their
personal e-mail, phone messages and correspondence regularly checked. No
romance will last long under these conditions.
The victim of the jealousy may
figure, "Well, I'm being blamed for all kinds of treachery and infidelity
anyway. I may as well do it." It's not difficult to understand why the
disillusioned partner would experience such temptation.
How can the problem of jealousy
be overcome? A trained therapist will help identify the source of the negative
self-image, and then work with the client to find ways of coping and eventually
overcoming the problem. It can be done, but it will take lots of openness,
cooperation and effort.
This is an aspect of a failed
marriage or relationship which is often overlooked. If you or someone you love
has been through a break-up in which a spouse or partner has been unfaithful,
see to it that an appointment is made with a qualified psychologist or
psychiatrist as soon as possible. The successful outcome of the next
relationship, indeed the happiness of the rest of that person's life, may
depend on it. Don't delay.
There's one thing about baldness,
it's neat". Don Herold
Although I can't speak for all women, I can unequivocally state that I find
bald men very attractive. Chronologically, I am past middle age, although
inside, I'm young at heart. Most of the men in my age group are naturally bald.
It looks fine, it's quite acceptable.
In fact, when I see a man over
fifty with a full head of hair, it's a definite red flag. Either he's wearing a
toupee, which signifies a vain personality, or he's been blessed by inheriting
a anti-baldness gene from his ancestors. Because of this happy circumstance,
he's likely convinced himself that he's the handsomest fellow in the group, and
that all the women in the room are most anxious to make his acquaintance.
After all, what's the use of
being devastatingly attractive to the opposite sex, if you can't enjoy your
popularity? Ladies, believe me, you don't need the aggravation this character
will give you, especially during or after middle age!
A vain man around retirement age can be a headache to any woman unfortunate
enough to be married to him. Now, he'll have lots of time to spend on hobbies,
such as improving his appearance even more. Have you checked the price of good
toupees lately? Out of sight!
Not only that, but he'll be anxious to buy high quality leisure wear to
complement his fine head of hair, in his new more carefree and relaxed
lifestyle.
With all the new clothes, he won't be anxious to stay home. You'll be off on a
mad whirl of social activities. Unless you're a kindred spirit who enjoys the
social merry-go-round too, in a month or so, you'll be wishing you could go
back to work to get a rest.
However, if you're like me, and looked forward to retirement as a time to
lounge around in your scrubbies, read, write, sleep in, and play with the grand
kids, what you need is a nice, comfortable, bald mate. I hope you had the
foresight to look ahead, during your courting days..
Actually, I can understand that younger women might not be anxious to date a
man who is prematurely bald. This condition is due to inherited genetic
factors, and the man has no more control over it than he has over his eye
color. There are treatments available for baldness, but they are likely to be
expensive, painful, and of dubious effectiveness.
I would only advise young ladies in this situation to look beneath the surface.
See the personality of the man underneath. Is he loving, gentle, and kind? Is
he intelligent with a good sense of humor? Will he be a good father? These are
the qualities that last. These are the attributes that will make you happy
throughout your working life, into retirement and beyond. If you're smart
you'll grab him before someone else does.
After reading this piece, you'll probably guess that my husband is bald. He is.
I was one of the lucky ones. I tell him that he is so intelligent, that all the
grey matter pushed those hair follicles right out of his head. As I stated
before, I find bald men very attractive.
"Bald as the bare mountain tops are bald, with a baldness full of
grandeur." Matthew Arnold
Of course, the best way to escape
from a relationship is to sit down face-to-face with the other party and
declare to him openly that you wish to end it. It's advisable to meet in a
neutral area such as a park or a coffee shop. Speak calmly, logically, and try
neither to place blame nor hurl insults.
State you own feelings clearly:
"I think the obstacles we've encountered are too great to overcome,"
or, " I need more experience dating others before I settle down to an
exclusive relationship." Don't enter into any lengthy discussions. Just
state your case firmly, and leave.
If you have reason to believe
that this approach will cause a nasty scene, it might be better to write a
letter or to leave a message on his answering machine. If you choose either of
these options, be prepared for an emotional follow-up meeting.
He's unlikely to be dismissed so
easily but at least the initial shock will be over. When he finally catches up
with you, reiterate your decision and the reasons for it. Speak plainly but
firmly: "I've made up my mind and that's it. There's nothing more to discuss.
Goodbye."
For those of us who lack the
courage to carry out the cold-blooded procedures outlined above, there many
other possibilities, perhaps not as honorable, but easier on the nerves. A few
examples follow.
By now you probably know what
buttons to push to make him angry. Push one, in fact, push several
simultaneously. When he blows up, look distressed and abruptly leave the room.
Later, when he tries to apologize, inform him that you were shocked and a
little frightened by his irrational temper tantrum and you don't want to see
him again. If he tries to harass you, threaten that to report him to the
police. Have the phone number for an anger management course to pass along as a
parting gesture.
Tell him you have experienced a
calling to spend your time on earth doing missionary work in Outer Slobovia. Of
course, you want your partner to be at your side for this charitable endeavor.
If he doesn't feel ready to make a permanent commitment, it would be best to
part now. You obviously will not be building a future together.
Accept a few dates on evenings
when he's busy. Try to go where you'll be seen by his friends. When he asks
about your extracurricular activities, tell him you were merely entertaining an
old friend. When he objects, tell him that one thing you can't tolerate is
jealousy. You've been blessed with a sociable nature and you have no intention
of stifling it. He'll probably storm off in a fit of rage. All you have to do
then is make the rift permanent.
Suddenly develop a passion for
classical music, Shakespearean drama, or any other leisure time activity you
know he detests. Refuse to watch anything on television but PBS. Borrow a few
classical CD's from the library to play at high volume whenever he's around.
Hush him when he tries to speak. Tell him that anything crude or common, like
sports or bar-hopping makes you physically ill. To prove your point, omit
make-up and daub talcum powder on your face the next time he tries to watch
football or hockey. With a little luck, he'll soon be history.
Usually, the difficulty in any
relationship is to avoiding arguments. If you're a patient person, simply wait
for the next disagreement. When it appears, blow it up out of all proportion.
Rant, rave, stamp around, throw one or two items (unbreakable, of course). Make
your final performance for this particular audience, one to remember. If you
carry off the scene well enough, your problem will be solved.
I have written from a female
perspective, because that's the one I know. These suggestions could easily be
adapted by male readers wishing to be rid of the distaff side of the
relationship.
Remember the ultimate goal of the
exercise is to extricate yourself from a relationship causing as little pain as
possible to either party. Remember, too, the plotting, planning and effort
necessary to accomplish your objective. With these considerations in mind, try
to avoid jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Do not enter another
relationship until a reasonable length of time has elapsed: a week at the very
least.
The old adage is very true. Very
few people end up marrying the first person they date, or even the fifth or the
seventh. Sometimes it's not easy to tell the difference between the two. A frog
can look a lot like a prince when you're young, inexperienced, on the rebound
from a failed relationship, or just plain lonely. Here are a few tips on how to
recognize a garden-variety frog in human disguise:
* He doesn't always answer the
phone or return your call immediately, even though you're sure he's home.
* He makes last-minute dates; then spends as little money as possible when
you're out together. He sometimes claims to have "left his wallet at
home".
* When you're out in a group, he flirts openly with your friends. At a dance,
he spends as much time on the floor with other girls as he does with you.
* He criticizes your family or makes fun of them. He resists going to visit
them, even on special occasions like Christmas.
* You're an animal lover, and he hates pets. You know he'll never agree to having
a dog, a cat or even a bird cage in the house.
* He is adamant that he never wants children. You come from a large, happy
family and hope to have a family of your own some day.
* He has been caught in a lie or at least he has been known to "bend"
the truth. For example, when he claimed to have been helping his friend get
over a broken heart, he failed to mention he was consoling him at the local
strip joint.
* You belong to a traditional faith community and religion is an important
factor in your life. He views all religions as primitive superstition.
* You come from different
cultures and he will not compromise on observing customs and traditions.
* In your personal lives and
habits, you have little in common. You may like books and quiet, romantic evenings
by the fire while he prefers partying, sports and action with the more people
around, the better.
If even a few of these points sound familiar, and apply to your present
relationship, it's time to face facts. You are involved with the human version
of the fairy-tale frog.
However, as in the children's story, the frog can become a prince, perhaps not
for you, but for someone else. Fortunately, we are all different. Those
character traits which grate on your nerves may be just what someone else is
seeking. Waste no time in setting your frog free so he can go searching for his
true mate.
As for you, don't give up hope. Your authentic Prince Charming may be waiting
right around the next corner. If you have faith, your patience will ultimately
be rewarded.
